Who called them accountants and not sumbodies?
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friend: hey man don’t drink too much you know how you get
me: what do you mean
[2 hard lemonades later]
me: we should drive to my boss’ house and steal all his grass. all of it
Thelma and Louise driving off a cliff, but it’s just me holding my friend’s hand until the scary part of the car wash is over
“Chantal, is the indicator working?”
“Yes. Wait, no. Now again yes. No. Yes. No.”#FridayMorning #RubbishJokes
Let’s all stand up against iron deficiency (but not too fast).
If you’re ever chased by a police dog, try not to go through a tunnel, over a little seesaw and through a hoop of fire.
They’re trained for that.
You tell me to “walk a mile in your shoes” but the second I break into your house to steal your shoes, you call the cops. Make up your mind.
Dog: WHAT IF I’M HERE ALONE FOREVER
Dog 911: WHAT WILL U EAT
Dog: probably eat the cat LOL
Dog 911: LOL
[church fundraiser]
me: *takes out a $100*
priest: *eyes wide* bless you my child
me: aww thank you! do you have $99.50 in change?
The great thing about Twitter is that it gives everyone a platform to be heard.
The worst thing about Twitter is that it gives everyone a platform to be heard.
Not saying my marriage is bad but I swiped left when I saw my husband on Tinder
Cop: *looks at license* Says here you need glasses.
Me: I have contacts.
Cop: I don’t care who you know, you’re not getting out of this one.
A journey of a thousand miles begins with a single poor decision in a pub and I’m starting to think this guy isn’t even a real Uber driver.
(When someone insults something you like.)
“Sources?? In triplicate! My honor demands nothing less!”
(When someone insults something you hate.)
“This RandomUser654788433 fellow certainly makes good points.”
9: if a cigar is just made from a plant then why can’t kids have them?
me: I’m just trying to drink my morning coffee man.
Farmers who aren’t pro tractors, what’s your angle?
I Google image searched the phrase “Google image search” and accidentally opened a portal to hell.
[post sex interview]
reporter: what went wrong out there
me: well, i shouldn’t have yelled “holy moly” when i came
What rhymes with “hug me”?
Chutney.
BARBER: what’ll it be
ME: can u make me feel extremeley self-conscious for 45 minutes
BARBER: u got it
When no one stars a tweet, I tell myself it was probably appreciated by hundreds of shy people.
felt that
Dear millionaires,
If you don’t have a bookcase that spins into a secret room then give your money to me because you’re spending it wrong.
YES I HAVE HIGH BLOOD PRESSURE!!!! WHY DO YOU ASK?
I bet a woman found that F35 and it was exactly where she said it would be.
Never been more fit than the semester after my college bf dumped me…hey JP got a beach vacation comin up mind doin it again
changed clouds to coulds and now the sky is full of possibilities
My son’s method of Laundry: If it’s clean it’s on the floor. If it’s dirty then it goes on the floor over there.
It’s a bird. It’s a plane. It’s a pedestrian. Seriously, you’re hitting everything with your car.
I really wanna cuddle a great big bear but the biggest shame is that I’ll probably only get to do it the once.