(When someone insults something you like.)
“Sources?? In triplicate! My honor demands nothing less!”
(When someone insults something you hate.)
“This RandomUser654788433 fellow certainly makes good points.”
You Might Also Like
The real reason women will never be the ones to propose: As soon as she gets on her knees, he will start unzipping his pants.
Never underestimate what a woman will do for love.
“wya?” my limit bro. i’m at my limit
Adulthood is like the part in The Wizard of Oz where Dorothy tries to runaway from her problems, but then SURPRISE, there is also a tornado.
Grandma used the same wrapping paper for 25 years, so don’t tell me about the great ‘bargain’ you found.
Doctor: Do you eat plenty of fruits and vegetables?
Me: *reminiscing about eating a whole chocolate Orange*
Yes, yes I do
Hey! So I have a new YouTube channel. It’s a desperate attempt to make some $$$ (survival reasons) – Think you could support and subscribe?
While we are here, if you have feedback on the new site design, please let me know – trying to address one by one. Someone told me that there are way too many ads now, I have reduced the number of ads and increased the no. of funny tweets per page. Can’t wait to hear from you!
This is a baby horse: it can walk 4 hours after it’s born
This is a baby human: don’t touch its head wrong or you’ll bonk its brain
I forgot all the Spanish I learned as a high school señor.
“ew what is that?” is my child’s adorable way of asking what’s for dinner
Me: You better not be making a mess in that kitchen I just cleaned
My kids:
Having kids has taught me that their ears are for decorative purposes only.
A friend had a new baby girl.
Her coworker asked: “What’s her name?”
My friend replied: “Melanie Noelle.”
Her coworker: “How do you spell it, then?”
We’d never met, or even spoken, but I could tell just from gazing into her pale blue eyes I had stepped on her toe.
Another normal evening
Cook food – 30 minutes
Eat it – 5 minutes
Check Facebook – 1 minute
Check Twitter – 8 hours
Wedlock even sounds like a threat.
Just the other day, I asked my mom at what age do children start really listening to their parents but I don’t remember what her answer was.
[looks up from laptop while updating résumé]
son, you’re good with computers
“I’m alright”
how do I find pictures of mean looking dinosaurs?
Bon Jovi promising we were half way there 37 years ago is why I have trust issues
Me: (filling the medicine cabinet with ping pong balls)
Him: What are you doing?
Me: I invited your family over for dinner tonight.
*Listens to We Didn’t Start the Fire by Billy Joel*
*Adds history major to resumé*
Well there goes my Wednesday night.
I drink because I care. About me. And drinks.
We cut open the cake at the gender reveal party and out spill thousands of fire ants. The guests howl. FIRE ANTS ARE MOSTLY MALE, I explain
Picture me naked.
Wrong.
More plates of nachos stacked around me.
Drunk octopus wants to fight. He will rip your coat off your back.
The worst place to be quote tweeted…Divorce Papers
I had three cabbage rolls before bed. No need for an alarm clock.
DON’T EVER CATCH UP ON YOUR LAUNDRY
YOUR KIDS WILL GET A STOMACH BUG AND BARF ON EVERYTHING
{big laundry wrestles the microphone away from me}
IT’S A TRAP!
HEY LET GO OF ME!