Wedlock even sounds like a threat.
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The washing machine broke so I had to wash my undies in the river. As a bonus, 3 catfish floated to the top afterwards, so dinner is served!
3-year-old was singing quietly into a banana and without looking up from his video game, her brother said “It’s not on. You have to turn it on.” So she pressed an alleged button on the banana and now she’s singing very loudly into it? Huh
You make a compelling argument, Morty.
[moving her panties to the side]
HEY MAA, I’M MAKING ROOM FOR MY LEGOS IN YOUR UNDERWEAR DRAWER.
Shouldn’t Captain Crunch be Colonel Crunch by now? Apparently cereal mascot is a dead end job.
You had me at Whipped Cream Vodka.
Them: what’s an expensive hobby of yours?
Me: living
Taco Bell is the only place you can still get gas for $1.29
Friend: you know what would suck
Me: yes, being a claustrophobic turtle
Friend:
Me:
Friend: how do you even function
To graduate DJ school you have to pass your vinyls.
Jewelry stores should just be like: Whether you’re trying to be nice or trying to get laid- we got you covered.
(When someone insults something you like.)
“Sources?? In triplicate! My honor demands nothing less!”
(When someone insults something you hate.)
“This RandomUser654788433 fellow certainly makes good points.”
cat 911: hello
cat: i need to report a murder
cat 911: kevin, is this you again
cat: yes
cat 911: what did we tell you kevin
cat: [long pause] that my food bowl being 1/3 empty is not a murder
Unpopular opinion: I don’t like that country song about that road.
BREAKING: Emotionally disturbed man gets into Trump Tower.
He was stopped by security, but not before being named a senior advisor.
The full name for hanky panky is handkerchief pandkerchief
Cinderella is my favorite story about choosing a spouse based on shoe size.
I fell asleep listening to the Red Hot Chili Peppers and woke up illiterate.
[November 2030]
*at the ocean*
“don’t forget your oil block, 800 spf sunblock and your radiation suits”
Kids: This fish has three heads
Imagine you were a vampire nowhere near the Middle East and don’t know who Jesus is but the day after he dies you gotta figure out why lower case t’s started hurting.
interviewer: we’ve decided to go with another candidate
me [slides can of spinach across table]: what about now?
interviewer: wrong popeyes
me [slides second can of spinach across table]: and now?
Surprise parties are great. Depress your friend by pretending to forget their birthday, then terrify them briefly
*looking at a stalactite*
ME: Man, look at that stalagmite!
GUIDE: —tite
ME: Right? Dope as hell.
Haven’t seen Paranormal Activity 4 yet so PLEASE don’t tell me which lamp falls over.
Me, getting mugged: make sure you use that credit card for groceries. I get fuel points.
Therapist: let’s work on some realistic expectations
Me: *still straining to lift a tissue box using the Force*
I reached blindly inside my cavernous mom bag for a lip balm and I touched something I didn’t recognize. Go on without me.
Satan: I’m bored. Let’s keep telling her that’s not her password.
Got Fired by the Zoo for Teaching all the Sloths Tai Chi
“You were out too late with your hoodlum friends!,” I yell at my husband, and suddenly I’m in a rocking chair, shaking a cane, wondering if they’ll ever find a cure for my polio.