I fell asleep listening to the Red Hot Chili Peppers and woke up illiterate.
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When I wear cargo shorts and I need to find my phone I suddenly transform into a baseball coach giving play signals.
Me: *walks up to Walgreens cashier with a pack of condoms* Excuse me, where are your fitting rooms?
I hate it when people try to use big words when they clearly don’t know their meaning. It makes them sound so gelatinous and isosceles.
[sees a guy with his foot caught in a bear trap]
Me: dude that thing’s for bears
Happy Halloween! I am currently dressed as Schrödinger while simultaneously not dressed as Schrödinger.
Every time I get my period, I think well that explains the last few days
Wife’s friend: So what was your C section like?
Wife: Well, it wa….
Me: Omg it was AWFUL. I had to just stand there for like 30 minutes
Good Cop: why is your baby crying
Mom: he just won’t take a nap
Pun Cop: looks like he’s
Good Cop: if u say resisting a rest i swear to god
I have the body of a 30yr old
Googled my symptoms and turns out I should have taken the cake out the oven 17 minutes ago
“Well I guess I better get ready for work”
*gets out of bed*
“Ok I’m ready”
POLICE CHIEF: so did you solve the case
ME: not yet, I spent all week hanging these pictures and newspaper clippings on the wall and connecting them with yarn
ME: looks cool doesn’t-
CHIEF: totally looks cool
[walks in meeting late]
“Sorry I was busy with important-”
SIRI (from pocket): OK here’s what I found on the web for are hot dogs sandwiches
[alternate world with no bees]
SCIENTIST: all the flowers are dying
ME: *takes a ite of a uritto* wow that’s a ummer
Him: Don’t get your panties in a bunch.
Me: It’s called a bulk pack, Todd. That’s how Costco sells them.
Logically the best time to kick someone is when they are down
This day in history. 2000. International Mother Language Day recognizes the cultural significance of such phrases as “Don’t make me come over there!” and “Because I said so!”
me at 18: im gonna move to new york and go on so many dates
me at 26: if i put my phone in a ziploc bag i can go on twitter in the shower
You know dystopia has arrived when Victoria’s Secret starts selling brass braziers.
7:01 AM: D̶r̶i̶n̶k̶ ̶c̶o̶f̶f̶e̶e̶ Build your 3 year old a blanket fort.
7:10: D̶r̶i̶n̶k̶ ̶c̶o̶f̶f̶e̶e̶ play house.
7:45: D̶r̶i̶n̶k̶ ̶c̶o̶f̶f̶e̶e̶ Resolve conflict between your 3 year old’s toys.
8:20: D̶r̶i̶n̶k̶ ̶c̶o̶f̶f̶e̶e̶ Fix the blanket fort.
9:00 AM: Drink cold coffee.
Dear chapsticks that keep getting lost,
Take me with you.
If you don’t think monkeys are adorable, then you can suck macaque.
Pretty disrespectful of Jesus to rise during Passover when his body was made of bread.
If love didn’t hurt, it wouldn’t be called love…it would be called tacos.
“Listen, you’ll get your money, I just need a little more time.”
Resigned to my own fate, but also really hoping that fate includes Snickers bars and an 8th season of Buffy the Vampire Slayer.
And then she accused me of oversharing. Can you believe that?
Drive thru cashier:
Give a girl a fish & she’s like “are u retarded?” Teach a girl to fish & she’s all “i only invited u to my party cause our moms are friends”
*walks into the funeral home*
*climbs into a coffin*
I’m ready when you are
I loathe tweets like “Be somebody’s beautiful tragedy”. Might as well tweet using a random word generator.
“Be golf brisket honkytonk”