I fell asleep listening to the Red Hot Chili Peppers and woke up illiterate.
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I lost the birth video of my son so I’m at the labour ward hoping to recreate it. I’ll just zoom in close so my wife won’t be able to tell.
driverless cars????
I don’t trust autocorrect to pick the correct word let alone let a car just drive me …. by itself
I wanted to start writing a sewing blog
But I lost my thread
Me: I can’t carry this heavy suitcase.
Him: I’ve seen you carry in a dozen bags of groceries at once.
Me: That’s different, that’s food.
I think you misunderstood–when I said, “Let me look into it” that meant, “I don’t know exactly how to tell you no just yet”
Best seat on the street 😍
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Grandma confused about Tide Pods “kids these days eating those podcasts”….
BREAKING: Emotionally disturbed man gets into Trump Tower.
He was stopped by security, but not before being named a senior advisor.
There’s a tornado warning and we’re about to hop into our blow up pool. If you see us fly by, please don’t hesitate to say hello.
we got a new neighbour and I thought it was taking him weeks to move in but turns out he works for u-haul
Vegans with children named ‘Hunter’ are why I lie awake at night.
me: this house is making lots of creaky sounds
realtor: that just means it’s settling
my fiancee: *creaky sounds*
[blood bank]
Doc inserts needle
[turns around]
YOU AGAIN!
[vampire sucking on tube like straw]
GO ON SCOOT
[chases him from room with broom]
Doctor: If it gets worse, who should we notify?
Liam Neeson: Next of Kin.
Doctor: It shouldn’t come to that, though. How are you feeling today?
Liam Neeson: High Spirits.
Lois Lane unexpectedly comes to visit Clark Kent but he can’t find his glasses so he has to stick his face in a pie like Mrs. Doubtfire.
me: good morning, Linda
Linda, my co-worker who backpacked through Europe: Not as nice as the sunrises you can see looking out from Venice
Before you cannibalize your roommate due to cabin fever, remember that you cannot afford the rent alone. #blizzard2016
nothing saves money like being antisocial
Just told my dog to say goodnight to his brother, the houseplant
Not to brag…
… but practically all of my arrest warrants are considered ‘outstanding’.
ME: revise my plea? Why?
JUDGE: read it back
RECORDER: defendant said “cauliflower is just white broccoli”
ME: *lips on mic* I stand by that
[arguing with my wife]
WELL AT LEAST I DON’T BRING UP THINGS FROM THE PAST LIKE YOU DID LAST MONTH
911: what’s your emergency sir
me: I can’t find my butler
911: perhaps he is pretending to be a 911 dispatcher like you asked sir
me: will you pretend to be my butler until he gets back
my body: please, eat something green
me: ugh, fine! *eats mint chip ice cream*
Am I afraid of the dark? No. Will I exit a basement after turning off the lights at normal speed? There is no amount of money in the world.
You left the milk out so I burnt all your clothes. Welcome to an adult relationship.
Don’t put all my eggs in one basket? Nice try, basket industry, I’m onto your marketing scam… #EasterBaskets
Change is always hard….
Especially when a jar of it falls on your head.