I fell asleep listening to the Red Hot Chili Peppers and woke up illiterate.
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Coworker: how was your thanksgiving?
Me: ……….. I assume you want me to hear about yours?
Was going to rob a bank today, but the pen was chained to the desk.
#milo
I don’t understand why everyone is so passionate about sports; it’s all just bullsh – HEY! YOU! NO! DARTH VADER DOES NOT HAVE A GREEN SABER!
Me: I don’t like where this is going
Driver: You ordered this Uber!
Me: Let’s go outside & make love in the rain.
Her: What if there’s lightning?
Me: Then you get to be on top…
No, it’s fine. I watched some cartoons and now I feel a little more at ease with your stupidness
In every IKEA there is a magical filing cabinet labeled raccoons, DO NOT OPEN THIS FILING CABINET!
EARTH: Let’s just be friends
MOON: Ok I understand [circles the earth for 4 billion years]
what I look like when I sleep with my mouth open
Credit Card Company: Yes sir, I see the bogus charges. We’ll take care of that.
Me: And…the other thing?
Credit Card Company: No sir, just because they tried to steal your identity doesn’t mean they are willing to take your kids.
[at a wine tasting]
Me: *sips and swishes*
Employee: Sir, you can’t drink inside the grocery store
Never date an intelligent, incredibly handsome, wealthy man. He’s a violent psychopath that wants to kill you
*things i learned from horrors
I hate to rub it in, but lotion doesn’t really work otherwise.
[roulette]
ME: [slaps table] 50 on red
CROUPIER: Sir that is 50 pictures of Celine Dion
ME: Yes and if I win [grabs him] you owe me 50 more
Him: You’re on a diet. Why buy all this candy?
Me: Because the alternative is called stealing.
Scary is handing your car keys to the same kid who unintentionally locked himself in the bathroom that morning.
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Life is a balance as you age. You lose hair, hearing and keen eyesight but you gain insight, experience and a lot of weight. Bad trade.
Me buying frivolous things: Well, you have to spend money to spend money.
WAITER: what can I get you?
ME [noticing a man rubbing his stomach heartily]: ooh I’ll have what he’s having
WAITER: right away sir *starts rubbing my belly*
I had a colonoscopy on Friday. Just let me say there are some things you should never use a Groupon for.
‘I’m really excited about the Pixar cowboy figure I got for my birthday.’
‘Woody?’
‘Not quite that excited.’
[after I cut a bagel] would you like the side that is somehow three times larger than the original bagel or the side that is the first object ever to have only two dimensions
I joined Twitter to have something to do while I waited for the repairman. It’s only been 3 years, he should be here any month now.
I don’t follow washing instructions, you’re my clothes you don’t tell me what to do
My girlfriend dumped me so i stole her wheelchair.
Guess who came crawling back.
Whatever, Batman. You may call it the Batcave, but that doesn’t change the fact you still live in your parents’ basement.
i love that bands still pretend to leave before their encore. like peekaboo for adults
My 5yo is insisting weasels aren’t real and that I’m the one who told him that, and I did not know I was going to have defend myself like this before coffee