Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

There’s no point using Latin phrases if you don’t understand what they mean, and vice versa.

a bug flew in my mouth today and that’s probably the healthiest thing I’ve eaten all week

“Time is of the essence”

Twitter: Hahaha nope

Our family motto is “Who took my phone charger?”

Bed Bath & Beyond starts off pretty normal-sounding, but then it goes galactic.

my chupacabra don’t
my chupacabra don’t
my chupacabra don’t want none unless you got goats, hon

My reaction to winning a billion dollars wouldn’t even come close to my 5 year old’s reaction when I told him that there’s no school today.

My kid asked for 2 kinds of chicken nuggets, and like a ROOKIE I put them on the same plate

back in the 80’s, we simply didn’t have the dog technology we do today

I’m not falling for those “ancestry tests.” If the government wants my DNA they’re going to have to get it the old fashioned way, from underneath the fingernails of a dead drifter I buried in the woods.

I don’t want to intimidate you, but I learned all my fighting skills from Hong Kong Phooey.

i love how when someone asks what your favourite books are your brain does this sparkly little twirl and helpfully deletes every book you’ve ever read from your memory

“This is precisely the time when artists go to work. There is no time for despair, no place for self-pity, no need for silence, no room for fear. We speak, we write, we do language. That is how civilizations heal” – Toni Morrison

My girlfriend and I are celebrating our anniversary tonight by breaking up six years ago.

Did it hurt? When even autocorrect couldn’t figure out that word you were reaching for

My toddler pretended to leave for work this morning with no pants and a lunchbox full of mini donuts so my question is where do I apply for this job

Employers are right when they say their workplace is like family. They’ll give you endless trauma and then blame you for being mentally ill.

Don’t let herpes become yourpes.

I just heard some kind of young person on the radio reviewing a song, referring to “that old retro sound from about 2005”, so, if anyone needs me, I’ll be screaming into a pillow until some blood comes out.

Friend nagged me for TDKR OST. Renamed Backstreet Boys song and mailed them to him. Fun.

Why do people brag about having tall kids, like relax dude all you did was have sex

Is this anything

#SaturdayVibes Never forget #BishopSycamore: The fake high school that tricked ESPN into airing their games. 😭🏈📺

Your body is a temple. Mine is a graveyard.

My son turned 3 and suddenly his elbows are spears, all I’m saying is it seems very uncool that my tiny dictator should get more weapons.

ME: my therapist told me to stop talking about people as if they weren’t here
THERAPIST: [rubbing temples] i know

Sexy Time:

*removes fluffy bathrobe to reveal second even fluffier bathrobe*

No one cares how old your kid was when they were potty trained, Brenda.

I’m a successful adult, and no one has ever asked when I stopped shitting my pants.

I have done about 300 crunches for my new exercise routine.

299 of them are Nestlé.

Young people are too young nowadays. Back in the good old days, young people were my age.