me: this house is making lots of creaky sounds
realtor: that just means it’s settling
my fiancee: *creaky sounds*
You Might Also Like
me: so did it hurt?
her: yes, a lot
me: when i splashed that salsa in your eye?
her: I SAID YES
I threw a boomerang yesterday and it didn’t come back. How long do you reckon before it’s safe to turn around?
Not a big conspiracy theory guy but I’m convinced that Nature Valley Crunchy Granola Bars are made by Dyson.
Me: Guys, enough with the trash talk. Who called this meeting?
7 raccoons on Zoom:
I don’t know who needs to hear this but if you have a flock of sheep that’s having trouble with foxes/dogs get an alpaca. The alpaca will happy join the flock as a ‘long sheep’ and will kick the shit out of anyone who messes with its gang.
Source: grew up on a farm.
[best read with a French accent]
“I am so very sorry sir, without a reservation, there is simply nothing I can do for you.”
I’m so relieved after getting my last electricity bill today.
It said..
FINAL NOTICE
if you prick your finger by accident and suck on it, you become your own blood brother & you have to take care of yourself no matter what
My son (4 years old), who has grown up watching us talk to Siri and Alexa, thinks you can talk to anything that has a screen or is plugged into the wall. This morning he told the toaster to order him a new lego set.
Me: people who betray you need to know that they make us incapable of trusting again
My mum: it was one mango that was bad of the lot! Just let the vendor go!
Guard: Sorry, no dogs
Man: But it’s a guide dog
Guard: Oh, ok
Guide Dog: And if you look to your left you’ll notice an insensitive jerk
[1st day as a paramedic]
me: can you point to where it hurts
cyclist: [points at his severed leg at the other side of the road]
Yeah avengers endgame was good but I found out my boyfriend is a movie clapper so at what cost
My secret talent is pushing all your buttons and helping you discover new buttons you didn’t know you had.
Everyday is talk like a pirate day if you’re committed and annoying enough
Me: I’ll just tuck this away so I don’t lose it.
Narrator: she would never find it again.
If by bandwidth you’re talking about the elastic in the underwear around my waist, then yes…I have a lot of bandwidth.
*Working at an Amazon warehouse is fun and not at all stressful”
I woke up to someone snow blowing their driveway at 6 AM. I taught him a lesson by locking him outside.
#wecanlandonacometbutwecant let a comet land on us. – Yakov Smirnoff
Our parents were right all along, the music is too loud.
I’m going to put out a cologne for men who like dad jokes
I’m going to call it Pungent
My family’s superpower is filling the recycle bin within 5 minutes of me emptying it.
If someone gives you sad eyes, give them sadder eyes. You must win this.
If a car depreciates as soon as you drive it off the lot then shouldn’t the price go down when you return from a test drive?
“Do you have any children?”
Hannibal: “Freezer. Bottom, right.”
I’m being forced to attend a family dinner tonight at a priest’s house…
There’s no such thing as a surprise exorcism, right?
THE GUY WHO INVENTED FIREWORKS: i’m gonna kill god.
[trying to make it work with this really good looking girl that I have nothing in common with] ok what’s your 12th favourite juice?
BEYONCE: do u like my album
JAY: [thinking to self] if anyone hears this i’ll be ruined
JAY: [out loud] we should make it a tidal exclusive