me: this house is making lots of creaky sounds
realtor: that just means it’s settling
my fiancee: *creaky sounds*
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United Airlines just tried to charge me $25 for the bags under my eyes.
*3:30 am
House alarm: whose turn is it to freak her out?
Smoke alarm: I had last week
Alarm clock: Already malfunctioned last month.
HA: Water heater?
WH: *recirculation pump squeals* Got it!
Me: *almost falls out of bed*
HA: HAHAHA! Good work!
I hate when my boyfriend’s snoring wakes me up and then I realize it was my snoring and I don’t have a boyfriend and I’m going to die alone.
I told a joke to my boss and he must have found it really funny because now I get to tell it to HR.
The list of things that give me heartburn is trending towards everything.
I just discovered that first aid kits do not include slices of pizza in it and I feel so betrayed.
Friend: check out my conscience shell
Me: you mean conch? *holds up to ear*
Shell: you saw those kids get in that van and you did nothing
my doctor says eating red meat is like a steak thru my heart
Why is Iron Man’s arch nemesis not Wrinkle Man?
Satan giving a tour of hell: “Over there we have people who make that sound when they chew gum and idiots who use hashtags on Facebook.”
[first date]
HER: I just love a man who’s not afraid to be honest.
ME: *trying to impress* You sound really stupid right now.
Sure kids are great but have you tried sleep?
There is no greater lie than “if you tell the truth, I won’t get mad.”
People at HIIT class who warm up before the trainer starts the warm up how warm do you really need to be?
I make up for those people who jog in place at red lights by eating snacks while lying down in bed.
My funeral instructions to my family were to have me cremated, and I told my best friends under no circumstances should I be cremated.
When my laptop asks “Are you sure?”, it’s because it still remembers all of the other bad decisions I have made.
“911? Help, my son has gone missing”
[baby lowers hands from eyes]
“Holy crap he just appeared out of nowhere”
Lobster 1: I split up from Lisa.
Lobster 2: Good. That fish was cray.
For a petite woman my wife snores like a downshifting Mack truck.
Paula Hawkins: What should I call my book about a girl on a train?
Publicist: Let’s call the guy who named the movie ‘Snakes On A Plane’.
*puts on new Fitbit*
*steps on scales*
Welp, this is bullshit!
Columbus has to be the worst guy to go to the mat for. The guy took notes the whole time & all of them are like “they were friendly so I killed them” & “note: we should do slavery here” and everyone else’s notes are like “I am trapped on a boat with a murderer”
I begin to read a horror novel in Braille.
Something bad is about to happen, I can feel it.
Before quarantine my husband used to eat like 5 Doritos and then fold the bag and put it away and since we’ve been in quarantine HE STILL DOES THE SAME THING I mean has this situation taught him nothing
In my opinion it’s the aborted fetus’ fault for not carrying a gun for protection
[Girl over my house]
“My ex boyfriend had this weird one-man-band thing. You dont, right?”
[Unclipping my harmonica holder]
Def not.
When I see someone texting and driving I swerve my car into them and try to run them off the road cause texting and driving is illegal.
Me: Let’s go outside & make love in the rain.
Her: What if there’s lightning?
Me: Then you get to be on top…
you telling me a banana nut in this bread