Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Stories about panicked mothers lifting cars off their trapped babies… but it’s my wife hauling out 10 cases of wine during a house fire.

nothing makes me happier than searching “colon” on twitter and seeing all the people who have misspelled cologne…

Me: I have a hemorrhoid that looks like Don King.
Customs agent: I meant do you have any goods to declare?

That awkward moment you have long eye contact with someone who’s really attractive, only cause it’s too hard to walk away from the mirror.

Sneaking alcohol into work is pretty easy if you put it in your stomach first.

SON: but I want to see my friend!
ME: buddy, I’m sorry. It’s not great right now. Mommy and Daddy can’t see our friends either.
SON: … you guys have friends?

[i get home to find a note on the refrigerator that says “i’m leaving and i’m taking the kids”]

ME: *unplugs fridge from power outlet* you’re not going anywhere you piece of shit

She uses her boyfriends toothbrush without his knowledge and wears his underwear every day….I eat a dog biscuit ONCE and I’M the weirdo???

I have a firm understanding of basic math.

Example: I have two cupcakes and I’m going to eat them both.

*orders a medium pizza*
*opens box*
PIZZA: I’ve contacted your late grandmother. She wants you to know-
*eats pizza*

Want his attention?

Send nudes

Want to piss him off?

When he responds,
reply “Oops, wrong person”

Welcome to parenthood. Every piece of trash in your house is now a makeshift toy that you are not allowed to throw out.

Excessive use of commas is a serious
crime which may result in a long sentence.

airline: will you be checking your bags, sir

me: again? I did that three times at home

*prepares to cook vegetarian chili* *spills the beans* Whoa, I suppose you could call that.. *lowers shades with a spatula*.. Kidney failure

This may be racist but whenever I have a test in class I try to get a seat next to a dolphin because they are usually really smart.

[courtroom]
JUDGE: “In the case of the State vs Waldo, Jury- how do you find the defendant?”
LEAD JUROR: “…we uh…haven’t yet”

I asked my son if he wanted his sandwich on toast for lunch, and he said, “I’ll make it myself because you and the toaster aren’t friends.”

don’t you dare tell me journalism is dead

Hey guys, remember when you could still refer to your knees as right and left instead of good and bad? Good times.

I dropped a piece of cheese on the airplane and i know it rolled forward and some piece of shit in first class is enjoying it now

HEY! WE DON’T THROW DIRTY UNDERWEAR AT OUR SISTERS OR STAB PEOPLE WITH KNIVES

I used to wave my hands in the air like I just don’t care, but now I just wave them because I get more steps on my FitBit

[Picking up girls]
Me: you like bad boys, huh?
Girls: yea
Me to my wing man: tell them
Wing man: he’s just literally the worst

Dear stupid people, there’s a thin line between the upper and lower lip. Seal it !!

getting my 4yo to sleep is just a simple 85 step process

Getting straight “A”s does not guarantee success, but plenty of evidence shows that not getting “A”s doesn’t preclude it.

If your coffee shop has a passive aggressive “no wifi pretend it’s the old days” sign I’m gonna smoke in there & pay 50 cents for coffee.

Careful, friends. [bends down and examines a handprint in the sidewalk] There is a very powerful child nearby.

Traffic cop: Just blow into this for me sir.
Man in car: But that’s a balloon.
Traffic cop: if you just cooperate sir, it’ll soon be a dog.