[best read with a French accent]
“I am so very sorry sir, without a reservation, there is simply nothing I can do for you.”
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[first date]
*pointing indiscriminately* “uh-oh looks like we’re on the Kiss Cam”
there’s no-
*leans in*
there’s no Kiss Cam at Applebees
“Kids, grandma just had hip surgery so I need to warn you, she’s not herself.”
*grandma struts in wearing skinny jeans and smoking an E-cig*
My laptop: *cannot find printer*
Me: *gesturing* look it’s right there
Me:Siri, why don’t I have any friends?
Siri:*shows me my Google search history*
M:Good call.
(Over the Ouija board)
-Wheeere have you plaaaced your hoodiees..
If you think it’s impossible to be late for work when you work from home, we probably can’t be friends.
Me as a bachelor contestant: “you’re not talking to any other girls, right?”
hey don’t shoot me, i’m just the messenger! oh the letter says to shoot me? okay th-
If you eat guns, you’ll sweat bullets.
It’s science.
My cat, an idiot: Those ornaments look exactly like my toys. Why can’t I play with them?
Me, pinnacle of animals: That felt frog wearing a top hat is to celebrate The Lord
Teens are like the Magic 8ball of humans, they think they have all the answers & you want to shake them because what they said was stupid.
Scar didn’t murder Mufasa. It’s a cat’s natural instinct to knock things off ledges
True?
An old white man in a beard bestowing gifts from the sky? Please.
Im bored… I think I’ll go to the mall, find a great parking spot and sit in my car, with the reverse lights on…
Me: 🎶 Don’t change for me ARGENTINAAAAA…”🎶
Friend: Cry
Me: *crying* 🎶 Don’t change for me ARGENTINAAAAA…”🎶
my name if I was in the mob
<sniffle> <snort> <sniffle>
<snuffle> <wheeze> <cough> <sniff> <snuffle>
<ah> <ahhh> <aaaaahhh> <HAIKU!!!>
If your messages appear as “seen”, but there’s no reply, don’t worry. He probably fainted from all the excitement.
You haven’t lived until you’ve had a dog give you the “Jesus Christ go to bed already” look
A lonely rooster sees neon sign flashing HOT CHICKEN STRIPS, walks into Popeyes and cringes in horror as he drops his dollar bills
Me: *pretends to get electrocuted as we shake hands*
Guy who was just about to offer me a job: Ok I’ll probably be in touch
If you live alone and you have pets they don’t know your name
Me: What’s wrong?
Wifi: You’re obsessed with the internet
Me: Give me one example
Wifi: Look how you’ve spelled wife
her: so do you have air conditioning
me: no, only fans
– How much for the mobile tampon?
– Ma’am?
– It’s a bit big.
– Ma’am, it’s a lamb.
– Does it make that sound because it has detected blood?
Playing horsey, but it’s just my 2yo granddaughter riding my last nerve.
hikers: a yeti oh my god don’t eat us ahhh!
adorable snowman: rawr
hikers: awwww
*starts eating them*
hikers: AWWWW
the only thing i remember about my school’s gifted program was learning about whales.
what was it about whales that the other kids weren’t ready for? the mystery haunts me to this day.