Im bored… I think I’ll go to the mall, find a great parking spot and sit in my car, with the reverse lights on…
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TRUMP: I don’t have a subpoena. I have a very huge poena.
Anyone who can get the straw in the Capri Sun on the first try can make your death look like an accident.
Neighbor: I need to run to the store. Can you watch the baby?
Me (thinks of Daredevil cued up on Netflix): I am a registered sex offender
I saw a group of kids trying to put another kid into a dumpster. I had to step in, they couldn’t even lift him. We high-fived & laughed.
[grocery produce aisle]
ME: Hi, are these genetically modified carrots?
CLERK: No, why do you ask?
CARROT: Yeah, why do you ask?
One day, the fridge will take revenge on me, every half hour opening the door to my room, staring at me for a few minutes & then walk away.
Mystery bruises are god’s little way of saying, “Perhaps you should drink less, whore.”
Not now kids. Mom is racing her rubber duckies in the bathtub and this time I really think Javier is going to win.
[game night]
date: do you have siblings?me: *flips table*
date: so you’re the youngest
[at recycling center]
Me: *unloads 46 bags of crushed aluminum cans*
Cashier: Wow! *hands me $1*
Cutest thing I saw was the dad angrily slamming the sliding door of his minivan but it slowed down by itself and latched silently and then it was just kind of sad.
Jumps into shower
Shower : I have a boyfriend
Honey I Shrunk the Kids IV:
They shrink everyone on earth on purpose
The planet will never run out of resources
Everyone is eaten by ants
Lately *certain* individuals have been making very hurtful remarks about my personal choice to wear mittens rather than gloves.
But I don’t like to point fingers.
The Hurricane came through here like a tornado
-Lady on the News just now
I don’t want to live on this planet anymore
me: my friend died in her sleep 🙁
my grandpa: back in my day we walked uphill 10 miles before we died
It’s only my second day picking up my son from pre-school, and I’ve already learned the best question to ask if you want more than a one-word answer: Did anyone get in trouble today?
Place any sort of bowl like object anywhere in your house and in a month and it will have collected old screws, batteries, and pens like some kind of black hole.
CHILD: I thought you liked Froot Loops.
TOUCAN SAM: *eating an egg salad sandwich he brought from home* Look, kid, it’s just a job.
something magical should happen if you eat enough saltwater taffy. maybe a mermaid drags you into the ocean
10 just informed me that exercising releases inner-dolphins. If that’s not a reason to exercise, then I don’t know what is.
A moment of silence please for the bottle of wine I just dropped.
It was a tragic accident.
Gone too soon.
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( • – •) /
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/Expectation:
{__/}
( • o•)
/ >🥕 for energyReality:
{__/}
( • o•)
/ >🍕 for energy[30 mins later]
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(´・ω・)
/ ⌒ヽ
(人__つ_つ
Star Wars is just like regular wars except you fall in love with your sister and your dad chops your arm off.
“POLICE, COME OUT WITH YOUR HANDS UP.”
Show me a badge.
*cop gets badge out*
I didn’t say Simon Says.
“Let’s go home guys. Sorry, my fault.”
Everyone: New year resolutions.
2021: When will they learn…
KGB: You’re being activated and sent to America. There you will acquire and report all sensitive and relevant intel and relay back to Kremlin
Bear Family: what’s our cover?
KGB: You will sell crap ton of toilet paper
work smarter, not harder
Me: How was school today?
Child: Awful.
Me: Why?
Child: You can’t have a good day at school.
Me: What? Why not?
Child: Hey dad, how was work today?
Me: Oh ok I see what you’re saying.