work smarter, not harder
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If I were on trial I would wear Crocs.
The prosecutor would be all, like, “whoa, that dude’s been defending himself his whole life.”
Every time someone calls me an asshole, I stand up like I’m gonna do something about it. Then I just end up stretching while I wink at them.
[Pharmacy]
Me: I need 50 packets of condoms
Pharmacist: Somebody has a busy weekend!
*I wink*
*cut to me making raincoats for my pet snakes*
If you give a mouse a cookie did you shriek and jump up on a chair first?
Nothing good ever comes after: “I’m not trying to be creepy, but…”
“No no, remember I told you we don’t do that in our house..”
-Me, breaking up a cat fight.
I’m tired of pretending that people know what a first cousin once removed is.
Me: Hey, am I too wrinkly?
Child: You’re old, it’s expected.
Me: I MEANT MY SHIRT.
you ever be washing a spoon and it wash u back?
[On my death bed]
My son: Before you go, could you make me pancakes?
Doctor: well, we lost him
Widow: *sobbing*
Me as a nurse: *whispering* guys he’s right there
Somewhere a guitarist sets down his instrument, pours gas on it, & lights it ablaze while Miley Cyrus naked on a wrecking ball shoots to #1.
Just got carpal tunnel syndrome from scrolling down to my birth year
I totally just realized that Dora the Explorer and Vlad the Impaler have the same middle name
My wife gives the best headache.
My ex is on Facebook saying how much he misses travelling, like he ever went further than the pub
Me: it’s not you, I just don’t like talking on the phone, I’m super awkward oh god, u think I’m weird for saying that don’t u
911 operator: ma’am is he still stabbing u
Me: Can you bring me a burrito
Him: you want me to come over?
Me: no. I want a burrito to come over.
it’s not tv, it’s hbo. but here’s the thing, it’s also not hbo
Mediocrites was not the greatest hero from Greek mythology, but nor was he the worst
[In Court]
Does the Defense have any last words?
*defense rises* DE-FENSE
*Judge holds up picket fence*
DE-FENSE
*Jury starts The Wave*
While trying to get my toddler to sleep, I muttered “who gave you caffeine?!” She has been repeating this phrase for an hour now.
Do I write a note to the sitter explaining the situation before or after she announces that someone gave her caffeine before bed
I’m most freaked when I take the dog out after dark and remember it’s stupid white girls like me that are killed first in horror movies.
Deleting dating apps because, if you’re not already sitting on my couch, we’re not meant to be.
(Hugging)
Me: you smell good. Is that a new cologne?
Him: No, I dropped turkey gravy on my shirt earlier.
Me: That’s a good smell for you. Maybe try a white peppercorn version next time.
Him:
Coffee helps me remember….
Everybody’s name
My passwords
Sense of humour
Woods ❌
I mean wordsI never said it was easy.
roses are red
violets are blue
i hate the sounds
you make when you chew
I offer kid $1 to do a chore. He sticks dollar in pocket. I get dollar back on laundry day.
Lather. Rinse. Repeat!
I told my husband that our toddler won’t eat tomatoes and he asked why not, as if toddlers are normal human beings