My wife gives the best headache.
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Texas principal: If that’s a homemade clock and not a bomb, what time is it?
Muslim student: Time for a lawsuit.
Have you heard about a new sport called Quiet Tennis?
It’s like regular tennis but without the racket.
People are always like “you’re so crazy” and I’m all like “please take off the restraints, I promise I won’t do it again”.
Stop asking yourself if something is a good idea and start asking yourself if you can get away with it.
Any tool’s a hammer if you’re mad enough
A single text to my mom is like pulling that loose thread on a sweater.
Apparently, you can only say “Look at you! You got so big!” to kids.
Old girlfriends tend to get offended.
Who knew?
Having a mustache is a great way to stop people from drawing a mustache on you in permanent marker while you sleep.
These cats just swagged into the room like they had some serious yolo’ing to do.
Boss: Have I made myself clear?
Me: No, I can still see you.
Boss: Shakes head.
me: before you hire me, you should know i take things
interviewer: like what?
me: time and care
interviewer: oh haha
me: also xanax, company money, and two-hour morning shits
I wonder if tarantulas are nostalgic for the 70s, when excessive body hair was still cool?
john wicks are toilet candles
in the mid 20s liminal space where if u entertain dinner guests half the people r gonna bring a $30 bottle of natural wine and beautiful salad the other half are going to bring themselves and the largest bag of flamin hot cheetos u have ever seen
My superpower is destroying the neighbors living room from 100 yards with nothing but her cat and my laser pointer.
Pretty sure “see less from” is to Facebook what “close door” is to an elevator
I just took my neighbor’s home security sign and put it in my yard, because the theft on my street is getting out of hand.
Just got off the phone with my mom.
She had a good chat.Unrelated, there are 1273 Cheerios left in this box.
[doctor’s]
INVISIBLE MAN: Am I cured doc?
DR: Your tests are all clear
IM: Is that good?
DR: [talking to wrong empty chair] I’m not sure
I’m being forced to attend a family dinner tonight at a priest’s house…
There’s no such thing as a surprise exorcism, right?
Me: It’s a hat store, but on the blonkchain
*Investor hands me $30 million*
Investor: Wait … did you say “blonkchain”?
Me: *runs*
We’ve run out of coffee so my girlfriend pressured me into knocking next door. So I knocked and awkwardly asked them to go to the shops.
These baby cardinals are thugs. They muscle all the other birds away from the feeder. I saw one put out a cigarette in a blue jay’s eye.
bet marie kondo is wishing she had more shit in her house right about now.
Whenever somebody asks me what my hobby is, there is a long uncomfortable pause and then I back away until I can’t see them anymore.
[dark alley]
DRUG DEALER: *hands me the stuff*
ME [extremely street smart]: does this come in a generic version?
This is how techno is made if you didn’t already know
I’m worried that if there is ever a fire at my house, my kids will ignore the smoke detectors and sit down at the dinner table.
daughter: do I have to brush?
me: of course! you don’t want your teeth to fall out, do you?
daughter: yes, it’s how I make money.