Have you heard about a new sport called Quiet Tennis?
It’s like regular tennis but without the racket.
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[being chased by a murderer] can we slow down i’m not wearing a bra
Sleeping in a tent is so relaxing. You can hear the leaves rustling, the loons calling out on the lake and, if you listen closely, whimpering teenagers crying out softly “wifi, wifiiiii”.
I watch football on a dodgy box but follow the match on twitter. There is about a 1 minute delay with the dodgy box so I give my prediction to my son as to who will score next. My record is 100% and my son thinks I’m a genius.
“Are you the one who multiplies fishes?”
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Land animals by legs:
0: Probably a snake.
1: Not a snake.
2: You/Monkey.
3: Uh…
4: Varies, probably safe-ish.
>4: AAAAH KILL IT WITH FIRE.
They say a lot of people put their birth year in their email address. In other news, there are a lot of men born in ’69.
Moana is my favourite movie about The Rock continually trying to drown a little girl.
#InternationalWomensDay is just a holiday hallmark made up to sell more women
[At the gym]
My body: WTF
Me: I know
Body: I thought we were done with this bullshit?
Me: No, this is how it is from now on.
Body: *charley horse*
Me: Well played, bitch… well played
Not saying my inability to remember popular figures of speech killed my journalism career, but it was probably the last snail in the coffee.
[first day as a bartender]
* just pours melted cheese into martini glasses *
My birth certificate is far and away my most impressive swimming certificate.
We could all chip in, buy Rolling Stone magazine, and take turns being on the cover.
can you read it!!??
maan!
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Hotels be like, it’s $150 a night and you’re staying 2 nights so that brings your total to $947.43.
[hotel]
ME: No minibar?
BF: No.
ME: Or room service?
BF: You’re being extreme.
ME: *emerges in camouflage* We’re survivalists now, Gary.
Pro tip:
Singing “Into the great wide open” is never ok during sex
“Spring is in the air” I proclaim as I hurl a Slinky at your head.
The first step to forgiveness is acknowledging that the other person is a complete twat.
I have pictures of random children in my house. When my kid misbehaves I gently remind him of the brothers & sisters that came before him that are no longer part of the family.
I found a cure for my debilitating cancer. I dumped her and started to see a capricorn instead.
Me (a pediatrician): *hands your baby a disassembled carburetor* Let’s test his motor skills
White people dance like they have an invisible hula hoop around their waist.
5: can i play the wii?
me: does mommy usually let u guys this early in the morning?
5:
me:
5: but she’s still sleeping!!
me: i don’t want to die today.
I’m always a little suspicious of women who say that they don’t “remember things”
If I was a snake and I owned a ship I’d call it the S.S. SSSSSSSSSSSSSSSS.
Happy Teacher’s day, Wikipedia.
me: have you seen my hoodie?
her: you mean our hoodie???
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Kids will interrupt your really important conversations to ask questions like, “which door do you think the zombies will come through? The front door or the back door?”
[watching a sex scene with my parents] You guys ever try that?