Have you heard about a new sport called Quiet Tennis?
It’s like regular tennis but without the racket.
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Q: How do you find Will Smith in the snow?
A: You look for the fresh prints!
I’ll show myself out y’all
Me: ew look at that guy sitting in his own shit.
Wife: just change your son’s diaper please.
she died doing what she loved: looking at her phone while crossing the street
I baked a carrot cake that tasted so delicious that it improved my eyesight with just one slice.
dammit i HATE this slowass coffee machine [gandhi walks into breakroom] and not finding strength in my suffering. also hate that. mornin sir
I’ll take a bullet for you but if a clown shows up somewhere you on your own
I suffer from a rare condition called OCDC, which forces me to salute all of those who are about to rock.
Accidentally got two shots of hand sanitizer so if you need me I’ll be rubbing my hands together for the rest of my life.
CREEPY TWINS FROM THE SHINING: Come play with us. Forever.
ME: *voice fading as I run down the hall: I have commitment issuuuuuuuues…
If your kids are playing and it gets totally quiet, then you hear one say “you’re okay, you’re okay,” they are definitely NOT okay.
[after an accident on the ski slope]
ME: did i nail the triple backflip
PARAMEDIC: u choked on a tootsie roll and fell off of the ski lift
My son just told me he knows all the lyrics to Despacito and then just sang “burrito” for every single word.
bert: i want a divorce
wife: are u…
bert: don’t
wife: *holding in laughter* are u sherbert?
Answering all my mom’s texts today with lyrics from Gangster’s Paradise.
Been living in Texas for over a decade and have never been invited to a shindig, orgy, hoedown, hootenanny, or anything
Batman’s an example of a guy who took his parents double homicide and made lemonade
My husband is in the other room explaining to the cat that even tho we are going to bed early, he (the cat) is welcome to stay up
*Me at a fitness consult
Trainer: you need to cut way back on carbs
Me: what am I supposed to melt my cheese on?
Trainer:
Me : where are you going?
My son: I need a nap, I’m so tired.
Me: Aw buddy – didn’t sleep good last night?
My son: no, I just couldn’t sleep in class today like I usually do.
Me:
professor x: what’s your superpower?
me: disappointing people
professor x: I was expecting a much better answer
me: see?
who called it an octopus not an armarmarmarmarmarmarmarmadillo
You know what else is crazy?
*googles synonyms for crazy*
My 2yr old tells people that grandma goes to a booty shop. My mom asks that I help her say beauty correctly, but this way is much more fun.
You know how if a bear is about to attack you, you’re supposed to stand totally still? Your smarter friend that’s running just punkd you.
5: wow, you look so pretty
Me: thank yo—
5: with your sunglasses on
Me: am I pretty without them?
*UNCOMFORTABLY LONG PAUSE*
5: sure
pretty messed up how “what are you weaknesses” is an acceptable question in job interviews but not on first dates
Me: What do you want for breakfast?
Kids: EGGS! BACON! WAFFLES! CHOCOLATE CHIP PANCAKES!
Me: Let me rephrase. Who wants toast?
Before I get off the subway, I like to turn around, look at the other passengers, and say, “I’ll never forget the time we spent together”
Judas: The one I kiss is Jesus Christ.
Soldier: You can just point to him.
Judas: (putting on lip-balm) I don’t tell you how to do your job.
Driving is great because it combines my love of sitting with my love of being mad