I have pictures of random children in my house. When my kid misbehaves I gently remind him of the brothers & sisters that came before him that are no longer part of the family.
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Sorry I headbutted you, I was gonna punch you but, I was holding wine.
“single and ready to mingle”
thank you so much for the warning
This has made my week.
If you want to hear an elderly couple arguing for 2 hrs about whether they closed their garage door, go to a movie at 11AM on a weekday.
Burglars broke into Kanye West’s home.
As a result, 500 statues of Kanye West are missing.
I learned to play guitar so people would stop asking me to go camping.
George Washington only said “I cannot tell a lie” because he never had to fill out a kid’s reading log.
Cooking fresh fruit with sugar is my jam.
Everything is about balance. A sombrero with strawberries on the one side and melons on the other, can and will cause you certain problems, I know this now
We chose to adopt a highway.
[clutches my wife’s hand]
We couldn’t make a highway of our own, you see.
I’m not positive,
but I think when you say you’re “over” something,
YOU STOP TALKING ABOUT IT.
Oh really well you thought four inches was HUGE when we were talking about spiders.
Someone taught my daughter how to craft 3D snowflakes and now she’s made so many that the inside of my home looks like it was in the path of an avalanche.
INTERVIEWER: What are your skills?
BATMAN: I right things.
I: What do you write?
B: I Right People’s Wrongs.
I: Oh so you’re an editor?
Accidentally said “No kidding,” instead of “No problem” after someone thanked me for helping them today, if anyone knows of a nice bridge I can leap from.
Me: To the window; to the wall.
Realtor: Just to be clear we are discussing your house showing.
Pro tip: Wives do not find it hilarious when you add a bunch of extra candles to their surprise birthday cake.
I know this now.
Hell hath no fury like a toddler that sets down their popsicle and then comes back 20 minutes later to get it.
Me: This swimsuit does nothing to flatter my bust. I feel like an old lady.
Him: Maybe it’s because you use words like “bust.”
Me: Ok. This swimsuit does nothing to flatter my bosom.
[cranking up the heat on my slow cooker]
Me: *whispers* slow cook it faster
“but you said you were right around the corner.” Let me stop you right there. I never said what corner
Guys I don’t think the people who run the world are very good
Michael Myers in his 60’s walking around killing people like he got no lower back pain
Cop: “Any idea why I pulled you over?”
Me: “you’ve got a fat guy fetish?”
Cop: …
“She is not fine.”
~Sun Tzu
Me: Okay, now do one where I pretend to accept the award for best actress!!
Booking Police Officer: …
[job interview]
Did you really think bringing a puppy with you to the interview would help you get the job?
“Yes”
WELL YOU’RE RIGHT.
the day my uncle Dan played his final game of “I got your nose”
Maybe Jesus went black, and that’s why he isn’t coming back.
[first date]
OK don’t let her know you’re a snail
Waiter: Would you like some salt?
[flips table over] OH HELL NO [bolts out real slowly]