Cooking fresh fruit with sugar is my jam.
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Someone called me
yesterday and said,
“Hello, is this Ross”
I said ” no it’s Chandler”
And they hung up.So much for trying to
be Friends.
Doctors say “internal bleeding” like it’s a bad thing. Blood is supposed to be internal, idiots.
Body: ok sleepy time.
Brain: ok thinky time.
The best way to get the woman of your dreams is to comment “gorgeous” on a minimum of 52 of her selfies.
psa: don’t ruin the thanksgiving meal by bringing up politics. ruin the meal by telling your family you don’t know half of them half as well as you should like and like less than half of them half as well as they deserve then vanishing while they try to figure out what you meant
How often do I think about Keira? Knightley.
Me: Alexa, tell me a joke!
Alexa: You’re definitely going to finish that home improvement project this weekend.
[First date]
Him: I love murder mysteries.
Me: *trying to impress him* I have been a suspect in four murder cases.
Sorry I said “nice phone” when you showed me a photo of your baby.
If you died and became a ghost haunting a graveyard you’d save ~$800 a month in rent. That’s over 600k a year. Being broke is a mindset and there’s no excuse for it
[undoes GFs bra first time]
“wow have you been practicing?”
don’t be ridiculous
[me and dog exchange glances]
My Mom taught me to treat others the way I want to be treated so I always walk up to strangers and spray canned cheese in their mouth.
Old joke:
Guy checks in at the airport and says: “I want this bag to go to Cleveland, this bag to go to Miami, and this bag to go to Las Vegas.”
Employee: “We can’t do that sir.”
Customer: “You did it last year.”
Thank you HGTV for allowing my wife to think I could rebuild our house over the weekend.
I like long walks along the beach until the drugs wear off & I realize I’m actually crawling through the sand at the local construction site
I’ve done all the cleaning and ironing but I’ve forgot why I broke into this house in the first place.
*Shakes wife awake
“Honey. I’ve done it. I’ve invented a time machine!”
Wife:Omg kill Hitler!
“What? It’s a time machine: it tells time.”
If I could time travel, I’d grab English major me in college & say, “Look, books will nourish your soul but take an appliance repair class.”
Taurus: You have a big life choice to make so watch endless YouTube videos instead of thinking about it.
Keeping this house spotless is tough, but trying to look busy for the three hours that the maid is here isn’t exactly a walk in the park either.
Is it okay for men to sit down to pee? The manager of this sofa store doesn’t seem to think so.
I heard the iPhone 15 won’t have any ports or jacks or a screen and it will just be a smooth steel ball and finally we’ll all be happy.
What does it mean when you’re flirting with a guy and he’s just crying and holding up a crucifix?
On the off chance you choose to start a rumor about me, please make it extra hot so I can live vicariously, thanks
ME: bartender. another.
BARTENDER: but you just-
ME: *slams fist on bar* ANOTHER
[bartender reluctantly hands me another moist towelette]
“I’m not really a big dog person.” – lying werewolf
An extra mozzarella stick could be the difference in a 3 star or a 5 star experience.
*me overestimating my server’s position on reviews
I can’t believe I have appendicitis in the middle of a global pandemic. this is legit funny like can my body read the room one time???
My favorite deleted scene from Lord of the Rings is when Bilbo & Frodo discover they have a long lost hipster cousin called Douche Baggins.
Best way to find out if you have any cuts on your hands is to make some lemonade.