On the off chance you choose to start a rumor about me, please make it extra hot so I can live vicariously, thanks
You Might Also Like
All we do is support you, all you ever do is complain about us!
-if bras could talk
You think you’re having a bad day? My 7 year old just figured out how to whistle.
A world war 2 bunker with fake air vent
Is it true animals can sense danger? The cat’s been wearing a helmet all week, and it makes me nervous.
I missed going to the gym today.
So that’s 20 years in a row now.
I’ve never been on Jeopardy, but I have put a 4yo to bed, so I know what it’s like to be asked about things you never even heard of.
I eat my sandwich over a piece of bread, so when stuff falls out…BOOM! another sandwich.
Black magic is just like regular magic, but with bigger wands.
If ur a guy riding on a motorcycle with another guy, it’s best to sit facing each other. 1 man mounted behind another that just looks bad
*brings guitar on date to set the mood
Me: Hey do you know how to play this thing?
Call any time! *terms and conditions apply
“I’m down for whatever,” I say, before falling asleep.
Me: You know what would improve this dreadful place? An open bar
Other people in the waiting room:
If I had a million dollars for every time I looked at the negative side of things, I’d have way too many god damn taxes to pay.
Me: No serial killer will ever lure me into their murder van. I’ m too smart for that.
Murderer:
My son gave me a list of things he’d like in his Easter basket.
This isn’t Christmas, kid. Do you want a chocolate bunny or not?
Her: Stop telling my friends you’re a faith healer
Me: Did I or did not cure a ham last week, Linda?
[Baby shower]
Mom-to-be, opening my gift: What’s this?
Me: A lock box.
MTB: For what?
Me: Your office supplies: tape, scissors, pens…
MTB:
Me: You’ll thank me in 5 years.
I wear a ski mask wherever I go but only rob ski resorts. It’s quite ingenious really. Let me explain…
What do I want to do to your body? I don’t know. Identify it, I guess.
-Where was I conceived, dad?
Dad: Ahh *rubs back of neck* At the Bellagio in Las Vegas.
-Rly?
Dad: Wd I lie to u, Bestwestern Broomcloset?
Waiter: Ma’am, your meal comes with two sides
Me (dragging a cigarette): Everything does, kid. Everything
“we have guests, go get me the fancy snail teapot”
Before gravity was invented you had to tie down your cows or your cows would just float away
me: I’ll have the prime rib
waiter: excellent choice sir
me:
waiter: do we really have to do this yet again sir
me: *after sliding to the other side of the table and putting on a blonde wig* oooooh it all looks so good what do you recommend
I hate straight weddings because we all have to form a circle and pretend a 4 year old is a better dancer than me.
i don’t let my toddler use an ipad but she does get to drive when i’m hungover
My neighbors listen to really good music… Whether they like it or not.