i don’t let my toddler use an ipad but she does get to drive when i’m hungover
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I keep a set of 5 airtight canisters on my kitchen counter:
Flour, sugar, coffee, tea, rage.
[At my front door, speaking to a detective in my robe]
Me : Can I have my robe back, please?
*Asks soulmate*
What is your dream car and why?Minivan, because the sliding door <joining in> MAKES IT EASIER FOR DRIVE-BY BAZOOKA ATTACKS
My 4 y/o doesn’t realize that things in life have happened before his existence. I bet this is what life is like for Kanye. Let’s be gentle.
To see someone’s true savage nature, you must observe them eat crab legs at a buffet.
I can relate to Alice in Wonderland. She just keeps randomly eating and drinking with the hope that it might magically solve her problems.
So wild that you can walk into any Walmart, open a Ouija Board in the game aisle, summon a Demon and then just leave.
My goal is to have this whole hand washing thing mastered before they decide to remove the instructions.
If you want to get more out of people, squeeze them really hard.
Went to scout a park for my son’s birthday and found out a thing people hate is a guy by himself taking pictures of a park.
My aunt said she was thankful for the best family in the world and I said “when are they coming?” and it MURDERED.
I worked out which made me so hungry I ate a wheel of cheese, in case you’re wondering how my new healthy lifestyle is going
At peace with myself?
We can’t even decide which channel to watch
“Honey?! What did you feed him? His poop is huge … and green!”
[the first of many struggles that Bruce Banner’s parents faced]
[me, taking a drug test at work] the company didn’t specify which drugs we had to take to prepare for this, so I took them all
A lil bit a Peppa Pig in my life
A lil bit a Piglet by my side
A lil bit a Wilbur is all I need
A lil bit a Babe is what I see
A lil bit a Miss Piggy in the sun
A lil bit a Pumpaa all night long
A lil bit a Porky Pig here I am
A lil bit a u makes me ur man
Feral Hogs Number 30-50
and on the 6th day god created coffee so thee would not commit murder or some shit like that. amen.
[exam room]
me: *waits patiently*
doctor: *enters physicianly*
The word “hello” only became common in 1827 and I like to imagine a glorious era before that when everyone just ignored each other
*wakes up*
*frantically searches the bed for the donut I was eating in my dream*
Some of y’all tomorrow …
Some choices are easier than others:
An emergency doctor’s appt vs a much needed hair appt.
At least if I die my hair will be cute.
I hate when I’m trying to be handsome & a more handsome man stands next to me & handsomes much harder than I can.
*sets the mood with candlelight, flowers and the pepto bismol jingle
[First Date]
“Okay don’t let her know you’re a tool shed”
Waiter: Anything to drink?
Date: a screwdriver please
*My head slowly opens*
Your car took up two spaces, I tried to move it over with my key.
I hate when scientists are like “some insects can see colors we can’t.” Like ok? What colors? Quickly.
To the woman a booth over who said “There’s nothing worse than cold toast!”
I want your life.
Employee: Sir you’ve been in that changing room for half an hour, what are you doing?
Me: *Crying* WAITING FOR IT TO WORK
Someone posted a cute pic of several fluffy little baby chicks in a bucket and all I could think was “KFC preview.”