i don’t let my toddler use an ipad but she does get to drive when i’m hungover
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“I’m taking a social media break.”
– People who will be back in 7 minutes.
What if you’re only given pork to eat in the afterlife? Would that be eternal hamnation?
Sometimes when I’m having a particularly stressful day, I take a pregnancy test to remind myself that at least one thing in my life is still going as planned.
[after my funeral]
Someone: hey remember in the Neverending Story when Artax the horse was in the swamp of sadn—
My disembodied spirit: NO. Still too soon.
An interrogator that just goes into the room and loudly eats a peach until the suspect confesses to everything.
Absolutely no one:
8 yo: I’D RATHER BE RAISED BY DUCKS
Once I ate 32 consecutive flavorless oreos before realizing they were checkers
I WANNA STOP DRINKING‼️ but I realized the owner of the liquor store got a family to feed! last thing ima do is let them kids be hungry 😞
*accidentally answers phone call*
*pretends to be answering machine*
[teaching my dog to shake hands]
NO! Firmer than that. Want them to take you seriously?
[driving home in silence]
Wife: ok, I’m sorry
Me: too late
Wife: you do quite a lot of them though
Me: no, apparently I “overuse” them
Wife: …
Me: there’s no such thing as overusing roundhouse kicks, Linda, especially at parties
Wife: funeral
Do other animals have signature tranquilizers, or are horses just especially stressed out?
If I was a rapping novelist, my stage name would be Warren Piece.
Having kids hasn’t stopped us from doing anything we used to do.
We still do the same stuff, it’s just ruined.
Nice try, Clooney “wedding.” I know a casino heist when I see one.
Looking for my glasses that my 5yo hid, but not having much success because I CAN’T FIND MY GLASSES.
Naming my daughter “A Relationship” so I don’t have to worry about punks wanting to be in her.
*has argument with husband*
*brings up all the dumb shit he said in 2011**adds “Historian” to bio*
Me: eats spicy Szechuan for lunch
My guts the next day: look, we’ve had this discussion before
Posting this on behalf of a friend
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Inkling sounds like a baby octopus
When my wife says “Guess what today is.”
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My wife yelled out in the hallway, there’s a severe thunderstorm warning now …. I could barely hear her way back in this closet with my cat.
Husband: You’re ruining my life
Me: Does this mean I still have to make dinner?
Don’t hate the game, hate the player who keeps sending you Facebook invites to play the game.
A flock of dads is called a grill.
me: i need answers
smashmouth guy: please i have a family
me: [tasing him again] who told you?
smashmouth guy: aaagh
me: who? [pulling his face close to mine] who told you the world was gonna roll me
smashmouth guy: it was *sobsob* SOMEBODY
The best way to remember your wife’s birthday is to forget it once.
in case you haven’t heard it today:
– you matter
– you are loved
– your feathers are fluffy
– your plumage is the perfect shade of yellow
– you will one day pay homage to your ducky overlords
– you are beautiful
My friend asked for suggestions for something short and funny to watch so I suggested my 12yo son.