Sometimes when I’m having a particularly stressful day, I take a pregnancy test to remind myself that at least one thing in my life is still going as planned.
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One tricky thing about kids crying is trying to determine if they broke a crayon or got their arm stuck in a piece of farming equipment.
wife: I should have never let you take that morse code class
me: shhh *listening to the hail hit our roof* the storm is talking to me
You’re invited to my Oscar party! The theme is movie star cuisine which means there won’t be any food.
Cows are vegetarians too, but you won’t hear them bragging about it on Twitter.
Lying to stupid people can give you a profound sense of satisfaction, it can also make you president.
me: helo darkness my old friend
darkness, who just turned 30 and is totaly self-conscious about his age: cmon man im not old
*takes bite of Pringle* yes *nods at date then waiter* we’ll have the tube
Wife: “The two things I cook best are meatloaf and apple pie.” Husband: “Which is this?”
Bad hair day 429: I no longer look as though I’ve been electrocuted, but the birds, so, so many birds
Sorry to all the people my 3yo has yelled at for eating ice cream in a car.
Telling him it was illegal was wrong. I know this now.
Stop, drop, and roll but for flame wars:
Stop – and think about it, you don’t even know this angry person.
Drop – your ego, and just go with it. You think I’m trash? Neat. Thanks.
Roll – away from any further discussion by muting or blocking
How did you get this number..?
– me to my whole family..
*signing divorce papers*
Client, “Thank God that’s over.”
Me, “Yes, divorce is stressful.”
Client, “No. The process was fine. I’m just glad the marriage is over.”
Me, “I’m glad you aren’t crying. Here’s your bill.”
Client *bursts into tears*
[ER]
HIPSTER: I fell off my acoustic motorcycle & broke my mustache twirler.
DOC:…
H: I fell off my bike & broke my hand.
D: Rub kale on it.
At TGIF~
Caesar: I’ll have the salad.
Cleopatra: Me too. Its my salad day.
Waiter: Et tu, Brute?
Brutus *opens napkin*: Oh, great. No knife.
Friend: Did you already eat or do you want to get some food?
Me: Correct.
Hear me out: a party bus that stops at bakeries.
I’d like to assure my concerned neighbors that although I have slowly driven by your house 97 times in the last 20 mins, I am not, in fact, a predator or a stalker. I am waiting for my insomniac toddler to fall asleep.
Me: I have the body of a pro wrestler.
Her: OMG I love The Rock.
Me: Oh, totes, but what are your feelings on sumo?
Respond to every “How was your weekend?” today by staring off into the distance & whispering “So much blood…”
why is Charmin trying to get us comfortable with bears? HELLO THEY EAT PEOPLE
[vet office]
ME: *puts cat on counter* He’s sick
VET: How so?
ME: Look
*cat’s arranging magazines & gently tosses empty cup in garbage*
Bikini season is just around the corner, unfortunately so is Dairy Queen. 🙄
I do the crane stance like in the Karate Kid movie each time I have to flush the toilet in a public restroom.
Pffft. Call me when you can cut the sexual tension with a spoon.
I’m sorry my dog nipped your ankles, but in all fairness you do have squirrels on your socks.
The only time that I get sucked in bed is when there’s a mosquito in the room.
If you borrow my laptop and the volume is at 16% go wash your hands immediately