Me: I have the body of a pro wrestler.
Her: OMG I love The Rock.
Me: Oh, totes, but what are your feelings on sumo?
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Feel like these super villains wouldn’t have to steal so much if they didn’t insist on paying for all their goons to be wearing the same outfit.
“Mr. Trump how will you beat Hillary Clinton?”
TRUMP: I’ll win NY, Florida, Ohio, we’re going to add states, Gerzona, Timbaland, Waterworld
If you don’t like giving advice just look sage & say one completely unrelated thing you know to be true & let the other person assume it’s a metaphor.
*1st day in hell*
Devil: So you just sit in this room and people give you gifts
Me: Oh nice
Devil: And you have to react to each one
Me: NO
This woman at Whole Foods is choosing a bundle of asparagus more carefully than I chose my husband.
YOU THINK CONDOMS ARE STUPID???
My 2yr old just cried for 45 minutes because the TV in our car isn’t as big as the TV in our house…
Welcome to your 40’s. You’ll be mad if a neighbor doesn’t mow their lawn.
Just been to see Benny from maintenance in hospital. He was putting up one of those boards that tell you have many days since the last accident and it fell on him.
I don’t like to be too vulnerable on here but I just have to admit I do get upset when people who hate me send me money, the notifications of like “cry some more into this $10, loser” honestly just wreck me. It’s the most effective way to hurt me, can’t believe I’m admitting that
GOOD COP: He won’t talk except in sign language
BAD COP: I just cut off his left hand
BAD PUN COP: He still has the right to remain silent
“I’d like to make a toast.”
– piece of toast telling her toast husband she wants to start a family
My friend keeps saying that every time he goes to Taco Bell he gets diarrhea.
I said, try ordering Tacos instead.
My tattoos aren’t braille, so do not sneak up to me & begin to feel them.
Unless you’re hot, then you get the secret taste option.
[at the bank] hi I would like to deposit these tacos. oh and *drops a fistful of hot sauce packets on the counter* these too, thanks
dry january is so funny. people are like how can i make the worst month of the year even worse
“Friends” ended in 2004 and had a reunion this week, which means the cicadas think it was on the whole time
I have to leave in 5 minutes! Better get ready!
*Sits for aonther 10 minutes*
I always smile really big at people in public. Tends to freak them out, out cause I’m not good at putting on lipstick.
A super funny prank would be if someone snuck into my driveway in the middle of the night and washed my car lmao. I would be so owned it would be hilarious
I unfollowed a guy in the Navy; too many sub tweets.
Nice try, NASA
Me: I’ve got the singing voice of an angle
Friend: Don’t you mean angel?
M: Nope, people hear me sing and do a complete 180
Doing some research on the Fresh Prince of Belair. Does anybody know where he was born and raised and where he spent most of his days?
No matter how much I shake my phone, you still won’t come out. Are you stuck? I think you’re stuck.
Me: (sees turtle) goddamnit I envy your affordable housing.
Changelings are a myth, you say? Then explain why my 5yo suddenly doesn’t like cheese anymore
I called the fire dept to get my cat out of a tree and they said they don’t do that so I told them them he had a lighter.
When I was a kid there were two ways to die, natural causes and talking back to your parents
friend: i would kill for a burrito right now
me: *who really really hates his coworker randal* interesting. tell me more
“Hi I’m here to interview for the branch manager position.”
“We’re only hiring tree trimmers.”
“That’s exactly what I just said.”