dry january is so funny. people are like how can i make the worst month of the year even worse
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I got a T-shirt with an Ouija board printed on the back and now I get free massages from superstitious people.
A polar bear walks into a bar and says to the bartender “I’ll take a rum ……… and coke..” Bartender says “What’s with the pause?”
Polar bear says… “I was born with them”
What’s the difference between carbon monoxide and spouses?
Carbon monoxide is a silent killer.
Deciding to work in HR is like choosing to be the dorm RA for the rest of your life
me: I thought you would like it
grandpa: why would you think that
hospice clown: I should go
Everyone is posting pictures of their Christmas tree on Instagram and I’m like oh shit I forgot to delete Instagram.
Customer: Do you guys have wings?
Me, working in a food truck: just the wheels.
INSURANCE REP: I’m afraid you’re going to need more coverage
ME: sorry I couldn’t find my pants this morning
Cashiers are always checking me out
I had a friend who doesn’t care for sports sit & watch a basketball game & hes quiet for a bit & just barks out: “Yeah I dont think there are that many squeaks. They gotta be pumping em in”
That was over 10 yrs ago I havent watched a single game since without thinking of it
”Can’t touch this.”
“Can’t touch this.”
“Can’t touch this.”
–MC Hammer giving a Museum tour
This favourite snack may lower your risk of dementia? Jeeze I hope it’s big sandwiches.
Boss: Are you high?
[Me watching him evaporate] I hope so.
My 8yo wants to make her tween sister’s birthday cake. My tween is mad because she wants to make her own cake. I suggested she have 2 birthday cakes and now everyone is upset.
Apparently the solution to all life’s problems is not more cake.
Shrek is a nye movie because the years start coming and they simply do not stop coming
IAN: I broke my leg once
ME: I’ve never broken a bone, touch wood [touches wood]
THE UNIVERSE: THIS MAN WILL NEVER BREAK A BONE
Imagine if Trump becomes President and we are invaded by aliens.
Alien: Take us to your leader.
America: *Looks ashamed* Are you sure?
im no good at video games
“no one is at first just give it a shot”
alright
*presses start and mario just sits down*
I run up to the firefighter as he drags another charred body out of my burning home. “Did you see a zip disk labeled POEMS in there?”
When you’ve brought up your child to be kind and never take sides.
Husband: Who’s fatter – mummy or daddy?
Miss 8: You both are.
hey boy 😉 is that a gun in your pocket or are you just pleased to see m- oh, it is a gu- yes i will open the cash register
My kid spends so much time at the nurse’s office she now has a medical degree.
what does awkward people do, when they run out of bad jokes? get som new ones
[loud knocking]
“OPEN UP. IT’S THE POLICE!”
Me: Prove it.
“HOW?”
Me: Sing “Roxanne.”
[Twister]
DOG 1: left paw green
DOG 2: i told u this was a terrible idea
DOG 1: cmon Jim just pick the green one
DOG 2: THEYRE ALL GREY GARY
Body by cheese-puffs.
If you want to get more out of people, squeeze them really hard.
so dumb when forks have less than four pokey things. who do u think u are. a threek? ha
me: *gets reincarnated into a worm* well at least I’ll finally be able to relax
flock of early birds: guess again
How to really enjoy the rain:
1. Stand at the window (inside)
2. Put non-tea drinking hand on hip
3. Sip tea from mug
4. Say “look at that rain” or “it’s really coming down now”
5. Ask someone else if it’s raining where they are
6. Say the garden needs it
7. Eat all the biscuits