what does awkward people do, when they run out of bad jokes? get som new ones
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Opened my white noise app instead of my podcast app. Honestly, it’s an improvement.
1pm, the perfect time to start doing the work I woke up early to get a jump on.
Lets all Twittercide at the same time & not tell a Will Smith parody account, 1 dog account, & all the zombie people just to freak him out.
I’m going to take all of your tweets that make absolutely zero sense and combine them to make a Red Hot Chili Peppers song
I don’t think humans are capable of sounding more disgusting than when they are being rude to their mothers or singing along to Mariah Carey
friend: you’re not taking this chess game seriously
me: [pushing tiny horse down into my chocolate pudding] ARTAAAAX!
We are watching “It” from last year and not for nothin’ but Pennywise is mostly very bad at his job.
*receives invitation to dry wedding*
*becomes wine smuggler and most popular wedding guest ever*
Part of being a woman means you can break your leg or be having a cardiac arrest & a nurse will still ask when your last period was.
Happiness is…
finding your drunk uncle’s change in the couch cushions after he leaves.
Yeah breakups are sad but have you ever come home to find out you forgot to turn on your crockpot?
Maybe I just didn’t state this eloquently enough where’s my hammer?
[Walks up to stranger]
Me: “Excuse me, would you take my picture?”
Him: “Sure.”
Me: “Great!”
[I hand him a beautiful 5×7 portrait of me]
When you’re doing all you can just to get by in life.
Ten out of one women is a Russian Nesting Doll
as a millennial dad I’ve never not been Too Online so I know the best combination of buzzwords to maximize being annoying to my tween; she got a meatball sub for lunch and I said “oh she in her marinara era for real” and the eye roll could have powered our house for a year
You don’t have a Twitter account. Twitter has a You account.
Someone cut me off and I gave them the finger and my 7yo asked what it means so I said “it means you can go ahead of me” so you can guess what happened at school line up yesterday
One day I hope the bravery of the people who initiate clapping is recognized.
Only two things are certain: death, and Princess Diana’s face on at least one grocery store magazine
It’s taking my husband like way longer to leave me for a younger woman than movies and tv led me to believe it would and honestly I’m pretty annoyed
WebMD is a Choose Your Own Adventure book where every single story ends in malignant cancer
Vacations in your single 20s: backpacking Europe, hiking a Hawaiian volcano, relaxing poolside in St Croix with a book & a cocktail
Vacations in your 40s with kids: WHY IS SAND ON EVERYTHING, STOP FIGHTING, NO DESSERT FOR YOU, WE’RE ALL GOING TO BED EARLY
‘Why do people even talk to babies? It’s not like they can understand anything’ I ask my dog.
Bill Withers: Ain’t no sunshine when she’s gone.
Twitter: *There is no
me, disguised as a lamb: *into earpiece* target is headed to school
spy hq: none suspect you, right?
me: roger
spy hq: keep her in sight
[later]
teacher: mary, does your lamb follow you everywhere you go?
me: i’ve been made
spy hq: abort mission! ABORT!! ABORT!!!
Shaking hands is so weird:
“Nice to meet you, have some germs and dead skin cells.”
they say the average adult has sex 54 times a year. November and December are apparently going to be awesome
Taking a break from my mental health so I can focus on Twitter
When your teen is already bigger than you are…