When you’re doing all you can just to get by in life.
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date: do you like a little danger?
me: sure do. danger’s my middle name… unfortunately my first name’s stranger. and your mother probably warned you about me
In ocean’s eleven one guy’s job was to give a suitcase to somebody and he got the same amount of money as the guy who had to do acrobatics inside a vault
he looks great for his age
A woman at the gym wouldn’t let me wipe down the machine for her after I’d used it. I think this means we’re engaged
Of course I believe you are God’s gift to women.
He gave us periods and painful childbirth. Why not you too?
My wife just shouted “I’M NOT A MIND READER” during an argument that began with her saying “I know what you’re thinking”
[Describing the adjective thief to a sketch artist]
Sketch Artist: Can you describe what he looked like?
Me: Not anymore I can’t
She said she liked a man with a mouth on him and I admitted that I too like someone with all their face parts.
Thinking about getting real into bonsai trees. It seems like an expensive hobby that I’ll lose interest in almost immediately, which is right in my wheelhouse
That’s as old as the hills
hills: (offended) Hey
The only thing more satisfying than doing big yard projects yourself is paying someone to do it while you occasionally watch out the window.
[Tarot reading ends]
Reader: Remember, you’ve been warned!
Me: *looks up from phone* Oh maybe I should have been listening to that.
DR: Your cholesterol is high. What have you been eating?
ME: Mostly cholesterol.
Wife: Can we eat outside?
Me: *supportive* Of course babe. I love wasps.
My computer crashed and I lost some work in progress but luckily the cloud saved those 57 shots my toddler took of his forehead with my iPad in 2014
My daughter lost her first tooth today and has not stopped crying since. Why she didn’t punch me back I have no idea
This is so embarrassing, what’s your name again?
– me, the first 30 times I meet everyone
*scream sings THERE GOES MY HERO*
A good spouse doesn’t complain about watching their partner’s stupid shows. A good spouse looks up spoilers online then slowly and strategically makes what appear to be highly astute observations about characters & plotlines, planting seeds that may not bloom for several seasons.
when i hear fat people say that they’ve made mistakes, i always think to myself, “yeaa…at the grocery store.”
Things I can’t tell if missus saying to me or animals.
Food is ready.
Don’t lick that.
Don’t hump that.
Stop growling.
I love you.
Put your penis away.
Get back here.
Don’t eat that.
Get out.
Come here.
What are you doing with my underwear?
Don’t bite.
I don’t go out very much because I’m broke, but oh boy, once I’m rich, I’m gonna have to come up with another excuse.
I’m gonna be honest. Even after the vaccine I’m only gonna wanna hang out with 3 of you.
I clean my car less for me and more for any potential valet encounters
Monday
DATE: This is my first time at a French restaurant
ME: I feel like I’ve been here once before
DATE: Are you having deja vu?
ME: No I’m having the chicken
“I’ll be back” –Arnold Schwarzenegger as getting into a 2-person horse costume
Dawn’s coming over.
“Dawn from work, or crazy Dawn?”
*Dawn walks in* “WELL WELL WELL, if it isn’t the lady I’m framing for murder.
I’m sorry this birthday cake suffered a severe accident where my hand fell into it and a chunk of it filled my mouth.
*whispering* i like going for a drive and running my fingers through your hair
bus driver: well, i do not