Things I can’t tell if missus saying to me or animals.
Food is ready.
Don’t lick that.
Don’t hump that.
Stop growling.
I love you.
Put your penis away.
Get back here.
Don’t eat that.
Get out.
Come here.
What are you doing with my underwear?
Don’t bite.
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[scene of wreck]
cop: do you want an ambulance
me: no I’ll probably just buy another car
Every morning I announce that Im going for a jog, but then I don’t go…
it’s a running joke…
8- “Mom, where do babies come from?”
Me- “From backrubs honey.”
there was a sandwich. on the edge of the counter. and now there isn’t. those are all the details. we can confirm so far. the piece of lettuce on my nose. is purely circumstantial
What’s green, fuzzy, has four legs, and will kill you if it falls out of a tree?
.
.
A pool table
That awkward moment when you run into your old pizza guy and you’re with your new much younger pizza guy.
roommate: do u have any shaving cream
me: no it tastes gross
roommate: you eat shaving crea-
me -no why would i eat it if it tastes gross
I failed art in middle school on purpose just so my report card would say “F-Art” and if that dedication to a vision isn’t worthy of an A+ in art I don’t know what is.
was reading about defunct airlines again and i can’t believe they named it this
I’ve watched enough Dexter to know if he’s lying about one thing he might also be lying about a lot of other things and secretly a serial killer.
my grandpa lived on the ninth floor of his building and he’d still tell you to get off his lawn
why is every reddit relationships question like “i [F29] love my fiance [M34], except whenever we fight, he takes a dump in the living room, then makes me refer to his dump as ‘Mr. Hoskins’ and apologize to it. am i overreacting? our wedding is in 6 hours”
ZOO BOSS: You’re fired!
ME: Is it because I cross bred a dog with a zebra and called it a Debra, after my wife?
BOSS: Yes. Yes it is.
DIVING INSTRUCTOR: Does anyone know how to defend a shark attack?
ME: I would say the shark was just acting on instinct & couldn’t help it
EXECUTIVE: this ones not about murder is it
STEPHEN KING: its about children
E: ok
SK: in corn
E: thats nice
SK:who murder
E: dammit Stephen
Piss me off in the grocery store and I’ll get in front of you in the checkout line and pay for a single tomato with a personal check.
My advice for new parents is that when you feed your child their first chicken nugget to go ahead and start preparing your answer to the question “is this chicken like the animal chicken?” cause that moment is coming.
ME: my bald eagle is very sick, I think he needs to be put down
VET: that’s illegal
ME: yes I said that
I have a very dry sense of humor. So I drink moisturizer.
ESPN just did a Top 5 Greatest Comebacks of All Time and there was some guy running with a ball but like literally no mention of Jesus
When another writer is telling you about their latest script deal.
When you die, you walk down a tunnel of light and then that sentient paperclip from MS Word pops up and asks you what you want to do next.
I don’t think Nyquil knows what cherries taste like!
Autoimmune disease means you’re invincible to dying in a car accident.
Lights that commit crimes are sent to prism
Buzzfeed be like, “Tell us what Hogwarts house you think your dog belongs in and we’ll tell you what you had for breakfast.”
A new study found the safest city to travel to is Tokyo, Japan. Unless, of course, you’re a dolphin.
It’s amazing how song lyrics can impact your life.
For instance, when Humpty Hump said “I’m spunky, I like my oatmeal lumpy”, that really spoke to me.
“Olive Garden: When you’re here, you’re family.”
*My grandma tells the waitress she looks tired*
Careful, the circular motion you make with your hand to tell someone to roll down their car window is giving away your age.