My advice for new parents is that when you feed your child their first chicken nugget to go ahead and start preparing your answer to the question “is this chicken like the animal chicken?” cause that moment is coming.
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me: lol THAT’S your sword?
enemy: this blade can cut through steel
me: [confidently] I’m not even made out of steel you idiot
The extreme internal pressure from my intelligence is forcing my hair follicles to fall out …. No one believes me
Me: Magic 8-Ball, am I stupid?
Bowling Ball:
I’ve been chasing a fly around my apartment for like 20 mins with a rolled up magazine. There’s a really good article I think he should see
My kid is running around the house with an open umbrella draped across his shoulders and got mad because I couldn’t guess he was a *checks notes* vampire blaster mechagodzilla.
Me: Can you believe someone on Facebook is trying to sell a bucket of old screws?
Husband:
Me:
Husband: How much?
*brings donuts to work*
Co-worker: I have a gluten allergy, so I have to watch what I eat.
Me: Cool, then you can WATCH me eat this donut.
Friend: Did you know most people mistake thirst for hunger?
Me: Really? Weird. Hey, are you going to eat that water bottle?
I cried because my Wi-Fi was slow until I saw a guy stuck talking with his kids because he had no internet at all.
Refused to mow my grass because I’m lazy and it got so high that my neighbor did it because he is trying to sell his house and needs the neighborhood to look good for potential buyers so don’t tell me your problems won’t go away if you ignore them
Roses are red,
violets are blue,
dogs go woof
and cows go moo.#PoetryDay #RubbishJokes
No thank you, shower sex. I’ll just step out of the shower and injure myself the old fashioned way.
[inventing trees]
Angel: what purpose do they serve?
God: cats climb em
Angel: can they climb back down?
God [inventing the fire dept]: nope
*in the cinema, quietly reading the book of the movie*
One time I put the burnt side of a grilled cheese face down on my child’s plate and almost got away with it.
In “Hit Me Baby (one more time)” when Britney Spears said “my loneliness, it’s killing me”, she was actually predicting the 2020 social distancing period. In this essay I will
me: [raises hand]
my date: again, that’s not necessary
My toddler is screaming because I won’t give him an apple off of the counter, but what he refuses to acknowledge is that is not an apple.
It’s an onion.
My toddler is crying because I won’t let him eat an onion.
i’ve been kidnapped and quickly released easily 6 dozen times
I love Instagram’s new direct messaging feature because I’ve always thought, “If only this picture of someone’s dinner was just for me.”
I always make sure the garage door is shut. Wouldn’t want hoodlums stealing the stuff I’ve been meaning to get rid of for years; hell, decades
Most problems can be traced back to the day you were forced to watch your teacher put a condom on an unsuspecting banana
“Crocodile after awhile.” – Yoda
No one asks you to hold their baby if you’re standing next to a wood chipper
How your email finds me
Ask someone if they’ll watch your bag for you but never actually leave just sit there and watch your bag together with your new friend.
After months of trying, I finally have a runner’s body. His shoes too. Also a really nice pair of headphones & his Fitbit. He was in shape.
I got 99 tabs open but my work ain’t one.
I wish I was a better person
genie: kind of a low bar but ok
I can’t stop laughing 🤣