I always make sure the garage door is shut. Wouldn’t want hoodlums stealing the stuff I’ve been meaning to get rid of for years; hell, decades
You Might Also Like
hey babe come look at the cat. he looks the same as he always does and hes just sitting there. babe come look. hey come look at the cat
I saw all your OJ jokes yesterday and they absolutely killed me
A friend wants me to be friends with her friend. I now have one less friend.
911 what’s your emergency?
Me: My GF keeps pointing a flashlight at me
911: How is that an emergency?
Me: It’s attached to her gun
*hit man puts on silencer*
*shoots gun*Gun: YOUR HAIR SMELLS NICE LIKE MY MOMS
Wth?
*looks at case*
Oh I brought the awkward silencer
Hey tampon makers, can I get a silent tampon wrapper please? Sounds like I’m opening a bag of Sun Chips up in here.
Does anyone else picture a person actually “squatting” in a house when someone says there’s “squatters” there? or is that just me?
Dads will be like “I don’t cry” but then get misty-eyed thinking about how beautifully they backed into a parking spot
You can’t scare me. You’re not my child telling me that she’s tidied my bedroom and that there’s a surprise..
Me: You know what would improve this dreadful place? An open bar
Other people in the waiting room:
If someone starts talking to you, easily get out of the conversation by nodding while climbing the nearest tree.
Friday the 13th is my favorite movie about killing anyone having more sex than me
My dentist asked me if I had a problem with my gums bleeding. You’d have to be really laid back to not have a problem with that.
The Queen is crazy if she thinks I’m going to wait until February
If anyone else mentions how tiny I am today I will bite their ankles
*dipping a tortilla chip into an active volcano*
Me: This salsa is spicy
This guy hitting straight bombs off his toddler at home during the Coronavirus pandemic is the Twitter content I’m here for.
Stay at home. Save lives.🌎❤️
recently at a party i overheard someone start a sentence with “i actually remember being born” and i just put down my drink and left
Non-believers of Earth being a sphere presumably flatly deny all the evidence.
There’s a mom at the school pickup with a shirt that says “I don’t always whoomp, but when I do, there it is.” I think I love her
Me: *smoking* you were fabulous
Burrito: thank you
[interview]
HIM: have u ever bribed anyone?
ME: *pulls a package of OREO’s from briefcase and slides across table* depends on who’s asking
Pronounce it “Valentimes Day” so Cupid will know to shoot you right in your stupid face.
Salad is being recalled.
Do you know what’s never been recalled?Original Oreos.
Son: *repeatedly yelling Dad*
Me: Dad’s in the garage.
Son: *repeatedly yelling Dad but louder now*
I’m sorry I got you birth control for Christmas and said it was my gift to the world.
ME: Behold! I’ve invented the ultimate truth serum!
WIFE: I never loved you
ME: Wait, no, you’re supposed to drink it first
My boss on Zoom: “Joe you been quiet today. Do you want to say anything?”
Me: “Betty White passed away so she could come back as Rihanna’s baby”
My boss: “Gang that’s my fault I should know better”
[gets pulled over]
cop: “sir, do you know how fast you were going?”
[i’ve swapped places with the dog]
me: “answer the man”