*dipping a tortilla chip into an active volcano*
Me: This salsa is spicy
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The only time that I get sucked in bed is when there’s a mosquito in the room.
[to psychic gf] the spirits you talk to make fun of me don’t they
“no”
[she laughs for no reason]
AHHHH *punching the air* FIGHT ME SPIRITS
oh you don’t want my dog to bark at you? then why would you stand calmly within a 2 mile radius of my house
WIFE: remember to pick him up at 5
ME: ok
[later]
ME: [dropping 3-year-old son off at daycare] see ya in 2 years, bud
I like to keep my New Year’s goals simple and attainable so this year I have resolved to neither fly in a hydrogen-filled dirigible nor to become an ordained rabbi. I’m placing my chances of success at just north of 62.5%.
Today a guy at the bus stop said, “Lovely weather, huh?” and I just started running cuz I didn’t know the answer.
[waiting for elevator]
Coworker: Hey, how’s it go-
Me: I’ll take the stairs.
Job interview:
“what would you say is your biggest achievement is to date”“I once wore a hat to bed and it was still on in the morning”
I wish my ex girlfriend was a Ninja, this way I’d never see her
“Where do you see yourself in 5 years?” Bro, I’m just trying to make it to Friday.
Why is the saying “Ignorance is bliss” and not, “No brain, no pain”?
Everyone’s a badass until Mufasa dies.
An octopus can get so stressed
out – it will actually eat itself.Octopuses call that “leg day.”
Be nice to your old friends. They have pictures of your hair from 1988.
I’m so tired of being jealous of my friends’ successes. It’s unhealthy and only hurts me. From now on, I’m going to focus on what’s really important: enjoying my friends’ failures.
True embarrassment lies within your first email address
[sees cute girl jog by]
“Imma run up and ask her out”
[one block later still not caught up]
“Ok, wow, we probably weren’t soul mates anyway”
No, I’m not a “Trekkie”…
I’ve never even seen Star Wars.
[farm]
SON: *crying*
ME: Look, I told you not to get attached to the animals because eventually we have to eat them
SON *running away*: I HATE YOU!!
ME: He’s taking it pretty hard… but I did warn him
WIFE: None of us thought you meant the dog
Mom: Do you have any idea how painful it was to carry you in my womb for 9 months?
Me: If the last time I hurt you was 37 years ago, I’d say you’re winning in this relationship.
Them: you have such a youthful face! What’s your secret?
me: *plucking an auburn hair and burning it in the eternal flame while muttering incantations* oh I just wash it with water
put a pic of a girl with perfect abs on my fridge so I’m motivated to suck in my gut every time I pull out the ice cream
I don’t understand why you guys complain about never being able to finish a tube of chapstick, it usually only takes me 2 or 3 bites.
Me: My wife says I never pay attention
Her: I’m not your wife
Gluten free pizza is like a roller coaster that just goes straight.
Spiders have it about right.
If he doesn’t bring her a snack when he courts her it’s curtains..