Spiders have it about right.
If he doesn’t bring her a snack when he courts her it’s curtains..
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4: Mom, how long was dad inside you?
Me:
4: Mom???
Me: What the f-
4: Well??? How long was he inside you before you had him?
Me: Oh honey no I didn’t birth your dad, grandma did!
Today’s workout. 7 x 4 min intervals, 90 min walk. Participated in polar bear swim. Banned from the zoo.
BRUCE LEE: Be formless, shapeless, like water.
HARPER LEE: Things are never as bad as they seem.
PARSLEY: I am a stalk vegetable.
WhatsApp: Here use this status – “At the Gym”
Me: you wish!
*splashes water on my face*
*looks up, squinting into the mirror in front of me*
My socks are now soaked. They don’t mention that in the
Neutrogena commercials.
*Opens freezer*
Yo ice! Whatchu upto?
“Just chillin.”
Haha!
“HAHA!”
Hehe.
“Drunk again huh?”
Yeah.
The wife is out of town so you know what that means. That’s right, unsupervised eating.
Sorry I referred to your one-night-stand as “the nakey mistakey”.
“I have no porpoise!” -existential marine biologist.
(loudly in my apartment in case there’s a murderer here) I love murderers
It’s really important to have things in common with your spouse, for instance my wife and I both despise my very existance.
The first person to figure out babies instinctively hold their breath under water probably has a lot of explaining to do……
Like a good neighbor
State Farm and I haven’t ever spoken.
It’s not about retweets or followers, it’s about alienating your children so they learn to be independent and responsible
Just found a hilarious message in a bottle on the beach. I decided it needed to be RT’d, so I threw it back in.
[invasion]
*aircrafts dropping from the sky
*explosions everywhere
*mass hysteria
Me scrolling phone: Where was that alien invader gif?
Me ~ yes , I want your 2 for $5 Whoppers
Burger King ~ you want cheese on that
Me ~ yes please
Burger King ~ ok that will be $40.75
“Then we are agreed: we shall have a duel to the death at sunrise. And if I oversleep you will start without me.”
My neighbor once told me when I straightened my hair I looked like Jennifer Aniston, two days later he was taken away in a straight jacket. I think about that a lot.
after watching what feels like 73 Fast and Furious movies… no one fills up with petrol, do those cars run on hopes and dreams
*on first date*
Did you know that wool sweaters are the closest you can legally come to being inside a sheep?
On 3. Ready? One. Two. Three.
*Both show rock
Again!
*Both show rock
Again!
*Both show rock
Again!
Caveman: This game is stupid.
In the event of a robot invasion, show them a photo and ask them to point out the street signs. It fries their circuits and they explode.
If a malevolent demon is watching you sleep, simply go to Settings > General > Privacy > Malevolent Demon Who Watches You Sleep (Deactivate)
Since we don’t get one single trick or treater in my neighborhood, I’ll just get 5 large bags of candy.
murderer: oh no i forgot my weapon 🙁
aragorn: you have my sword
legolas: and you have my bow
gimli: and my axe
murderer: omg *tearing up* you guys :’)
me as a serial killer would be trying to snap someone’s neck and just making them look to the left real quick.
[My relationship with TV]
There’s nothing on.
*watches nothing for the next six hours.
ME: Velma cant see anything without her glasses, so in order to find her glasses, she needs to be wearing them
PRIEST: Those are your vows?