Spiders have it about right.
If he doesn’t bring her a snack when he courts her it’s curtains..

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Spend $250 on your kid playing soccer so they can tell you the only thing they enjoyed is the popsicle at the end of the game


when u have to ignore grammar rules to make a tweet fit into 140 characters


Scientists: we discovered a worm that eats plastic

Worm: wait we’re eating what


Man claims world will end Saturday. My producer tried to book him for an interview tomorrow. He said he wasn’t available until next week.


All dates are ‘blind dates.’

The biological structure of fruit plants do not allow eye growth, therefore rendering them incapable of sight.


“How’d you die?” “I got shot trying to save my fellow soldiers lives in war. You?” “I got trampled trying to save on a flat screen” “Oh..”


Grandma used the same wrapping paper for 25 years, so don’t tell me about the great ‘bargain’ you found.


I know this is only our second date, but can I use your bathroom real quick?

Her: Of course…

*walks out 26 minutes later*



Someone just called me the GOAT. That’s what I get for chewing on a tin can behind a barn.


“Every dog has his day,” they used to say. Still, no one was quite prepared that morning Emperor Mister Pickles marched his army into town.