@tigersgoroooar

Everyone is at the store buying milk and bread to prepare for the snow. I’m buying frozen pizza. Enjoy your milk sandwiches, losers!

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@sixfootcandy

I only had 3 goals in Monopoly as a kid:

Dog game piece
Boardwalk and Park Place.
Steal your money when you go to the bathroom.

@TampaBayMomma

Men think us women dream of finding the perfect man when really, all we want is to eat anything without getting fat.

@Social_Mime

If you love Christmas music chances are you never worked retail during Christmas.

@Rollmaninoz

*coworker drinks coffee I made them*

Me: I poisoned your coffee…
Coworker: WHAT?
Me:…with love!
Coworker: oh haha
me: The love for murder

@AlexvanBeek

I would’ve thrown a coin in the water fountain and wished for all the money in it, but I just waited ’til it was dark instead.

@Marlebean

“Put your hand on the shopping cart or I’m going to put you inside it.”

“Mom I’m right here.”

“Hand on the cart now. I don’t want you to get lost.”

“MooOoom”

“5, 4”

“I’M NOT GETTING LOST!”

“3, 2, 1”

*My mom struggles to lift me up into the cart*

“I’M 36 MOM!!”

@Fred_Delicious

**You’re through to 911, dial 1 for human cops, dial 2 for lobster cops**
[smashes 2 frantically while crayfish tries to break down my door]

@foodfacenow

At his funeral. I lay my hand on your shoulder. I apply pressure, gently, in an attempt to move you from in front of the snack table.

@WilliamAder

I think Diane knows I was her Secret Santa at this morning’s office party, because this afternoon I had to borrow my stapler back from her.

@Fred_Delicious

[becomes allergic to the floor midway through a date & slowly floats out of a window]