I only had 3 goals in Monopoly as a kid:
Dog game piece
Boardwalk and Park Place.
Steal your money when you go to the bathroom.
Everyone is at the store buying milk and bread to prepare for the snow. I’m buying frozen pizza. Enjoy your milk sandwiches, losers!
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Men think us women dream of finding the perfect man when really, all we want is to eat anything without getting fat.
If you love Christmas music chances are you never worked retail during Christmas.
*coworker drinks coffee I made them*
Me: I poisoned your coffee…
Coworker: oh haha
me: The love for murder
I would’ve thrown a coin in the water fountain and wished for all the money in it, but I just waited ’til it was dark instead.
“Put your hand on the shopping cart or I’m going to put you inside it.”
“Mom I’m right here.”
“Hand on the cart now. I don’t want you to get lost.”
“I’M NOT GETTING LOST!”
“3, 2, 1”
*My mom struggles to lift me up into the cart*
“I’M 36 MOM!!”
**You’re through to 911, dial 1 for human cops, dial 2 for lobster cops**
[smashes 2 frantically while crayfish tries to break down my door]
At his funeral. I lay my hand on your shoulder. I apply pressure, gently, in an attempt to move you from in front of the snack table.
I think Diane knows I was her Secret Santa at this morning’s office party, because this afternoon I had to borrow my stapler back from her.
[becomes allergic to the floor midway through a date & slowly floats out of a window]