@sixfootcandy I only had 3 goals in Monopoly as a kid:
Dog game piece
Boardwalk and Park Place.
Steal your money when you go to the bathroom.
@tigersgoroooar Everyone is at the store buying milk and bread to prepare for the snow. I’m buying frozen pizza. Enjoy your milk sandwiches, losers!
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@sixfootcandy 
@TampaBayMomma Men think us women dream of finding the perfect man when really, all we want is to eat anything without getting fat.
@Social_Mime If you love Christmas music chances are you never worked retail during Christmas.
@Rollmaninoz *coworker drinks coffee I made them*
Me: I poisoned your coffee…
Coworker: WHAT?
Me:…with love!
Coworker: oh haha
me: The love for murder
@AlexvanBeek I would’ve thrown a coin in the water fountain and wished for all the money in it, but I just waited ’til it was dark instead.
@Marlebean “Put your hand on the shopping cart or I’m going to put you inside it.”
“Mom I’m right here.”
“Hand on the cart now. I don’t want you to get lost.”
“MooOoom”
“5, 4”
“I’M NOT GETTING LOST!”
“3, 2, 1”
*My mom struggles to lift me up into the cart*
“I’M 36 MOM!!”
@Fred_Delicious **You’re through to 911, dial 1 for human cops, dial 2 for lobster cops**
[smashes 2 frantically while crayfish tries to break down my door]
@foodfacenow At his funeral. I lay my hand on your shoulder. I apply pressure, gently, in an attempt to move you from in front of the snack table.
@WilliamAder I think Diane knows I was her Secret Santa at this morning’s office party, because this afternoon I had to borrow my stapler back from her.
@Fred_Delicious [becomes allergic to the floor midway through a date & slowly floats out of a window]