I was up way earlier than normal and I couldn’t find my cat. I walked around the neighborhood and found him being fed by a lady a few houses down. She had a different name for him and everything. He’s been living a double life. I feel so betrayed.
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You’re like a first job.
No one likes you but at least you’re a learning experience.
Wanna feel smart? I just texted my sister a picture of her phone she left here
My google search history is just 12 different incorrect spellings of the word “restaurant.”
My husband got me a really sweet card for our anniversary. I read the whole way through, and the very last part says “happy birthday” 😂
He was so close.
Aging is the worst. I miss the good ol’ days when my pain was strictly emotional.
My kids found their Kit Kats then accused me of hiding them. Like WTF, how shameful are these kids to go in to my closet?
Watching Home Alone in 1990: oh poor Kevin, all alone with no family to celebrate the holidays
Watching Home Alone in 2018: that lucky little punk
The good thing about a seven hour meeting is you can get a full night’s sleep.
I’m making chili this weekend so if anyone wants some, I suggest you make some too.
Pro Tip: If you stand outside a restaurant wearing a red jacket, people will literally just give you their car.
THIS IS SPARTA!
*Next slide*
THIS IS MY HOUSE IN CHICAGO!
*Next slide*
THIS IS MY PERSIAN CAT!
*Next slide*
Leonidas, it’s getting late.
On the internet it’s super easy to take credit for stuff you had nothing to do with. That’s why I invented it.
The moon is in my awful neighbor’s backyard. Girl, he’s the worst. What are you doing?
The amount of people I know who have disliked me because someone told them to is staggering. Like dude, give me a chance… I’ll give you a reason. I promise.
Me: Going to the concert with my friends now
Wife: Say hi to everyone for me![Later]
Me *individually greeting 10,000 people* this is exhausting
I jack off in the shower using only L’Oréal conditioner. Why? Because I’m worth it.
He’s a 10, but that’s in Fahrenheit so he’s frozen.
Grandma lied about girls being all over me once I got older
For a kid, that moment when you accidentally called your teacher “mommy” was always really embarrassing. I just wish it hadn’t happened when I was a senior in college.
And in other news, a unicorn attack leaves 12 dead, 42 injured, 6 pretty rainbows
[1st date]
Me: Sooo…Is there anything you’d like to ask me?Him: Well, there is one thing I’ve been wondering
Me: *batting lashes* Go ahead
Him: Is that a piece of hot dog in your hair?
6-year-old: *finds a picture she drew* Why was this in the trash?
Me:
6:
Me: It was too good. I didn’t want to make your sisters jealous.
I love that sexy thing you do, what’s it called again? Oh yeah, me.
Once again I’ve been mistaken for a 50lb sack of flint corn.
Not to brag or anything, but I can forget what I’m doing while I’m doing it.
*writes “Place sacrifice here” on baby changing station in Wal-Mart bathroom*
When someone asks me if I could hold their baby I immediately drop my phone, try to pick it up and drop it again twice, and then say “Sure”.
Kids: *doing something they shouldn’t*
Me: Stop or I’ll be mad
Kids: *keep doing it*
Me: Stop or Mom will be mad
Kids:*stop immediately*
Want to know the secret to looking young? Pick up a bottle of sunblock, and put it on 20 years ago.
If drinking too much alcohol makes you an alcoholic, does drinking too much Fanta make you fantastic?