The moon is in my awful neighbor’s backyard. Girl, he’s the worst. What are you doing?
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Moses: 🎶gimme one margarita imma open the sea, gimme two margaritas imma set my people free🎶
His people: ugh ya can you get off TikTok? We’re literally being chased
Opponent: I wish you luck
Me: Tha—
Opponent: But I also wish to suck the marrow from the bones of your defeated corpse.
Me, picks up ping pong paddle: okey dokey
If we just refer to ISIS as “Nickelback” maybe nobody will want to join them
I write vampire jokes but they never see the light of day.
Robin Hood [hands over stolen fortune]: here you are, my poor friend
Friend: wow thanks. I’m rich!
Robin [narrows eyes]: you’re what
I can’t lose weight, that’s where all my fattitude is
[God creating Neil deGrasse Tyson]
Neil deGrasse Tyson: actually that’s not how it happened
Looks like the mayor is getting serious.
Major Tom: This is Major Tom to Ground Control
I’m stepping through the door
& I’m floating in a most peculiar way
GC: New phone. Who dis?
I know we are supposed to be worried about AI but I’ve been watching my Roomba throw itself off the stairs every single time I’ve ever used it I think we’re OK for a minute
Windows 10? Cool!
Only 85 more versions before we come back to Windows 95
Did you know that actors in black & white movies often put their lives in danger during driving scenes, as they weren’t able to tell if the traffic light was green or red.
“Are you left handed?” – people who see me writing with my left hand, curious if I am just doing it for show.
I’m scared of Botox and plastic surgery so my plan for turning 40 is Snapchat filters.
“If you love the bed so much why don’t you marry it?”
*imagines beautiful ceremony on the beach, me & Beddy.
No one can stop our love now.
[inside fighter jet]
I hate this cd
“change it”
how?
“press eject”
ok
[nothing funny or unexpected happens because they are trained pilots]
INVENTOR OF GLUE: I bet if we melt that horse we could use it to stick stuff to other stuff.
TIM: Dude…is everything okay at home?
Mother in law just said global warming with air quotes. It’s going to be a long night.
[sunset]
Me: [skips chicken nugget across a pristine lake]
Can I buy you a drink?
“I don’t drink.”
*panics* Oh. Um…well, here’s $12.
“What’s up, doc?” says Bugs Bunny. “Not you,” laughs the doctor. “Take these little blue pills.”
*Looney Tunes music plays*
her: there’s a spider in the bath
me: ok I’ll get him a little towel
[before meditation]
I just wanna kill someone[after meditation]
and I know EXACTLY how
[first day in prison]
me: I was told to join the meanest, most violent group in here so I was wondering if you guys had a spot open
guard: what
My 6yr old had a wipe out and upon assessing a minor scrape said “this is going to make it hard for me to walk since I’m right kneed.”
People: Let us know if you need help!
Me: Okay I need help
People:
[first day]
Head Chef: Careful, the stove will burn you
Me: I’ll be fine
Stove: Your girlfriend left you for a better looking, funnier version of you
I’m only grabbing fast food to refill my napkin collection in the car.
I said it was okay to come by my house. I didn’t say you could stop.
One day you’re partying til 2am and waltzing into work the next morning
Then all of the sudden you “need a vacation from your vacation”