The moon is in my awful neighbor’s backyard. Girl, he’s the worst. What are you doing?
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me: ugh I hate when the bank is crowded like this
[outside]
getaway driver: did he just get in line
This is why I hate group projects
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There is a school auction tonight, but I don’t know if I’m ready to buy a whole school
People in my neighborhood think I’m power walking, but really I’m just trying to get home to poop.
What if Cookie Monster was censored and this whole time he has been talking about boobies instead of cookies?
I haven’t exaggerated in over 370 years.
Kids be like mom look at me when you’re driving 70 mph on the freeway.
Wearing shades inside makes me look cool, right?
*Trips over the cat*
Mario: I killed all your turtle troops.Bowser: Turtle what?Mario: All the turtles that work for you.Bowser: What turtles?Mario: Uh oh…
OH. COME. ON.
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ME: I have so many questions
SOOTHSAYER: forsooth
ME: Exactly lol
S: SOOTH
ME: Yeah so-
S: Sooth?
ME: You only say sooth eh
S: *nods* sooth
“How many volunteers do we have for my evil army?”
384 my liege
“Ok, round them up”
400 my liege
unbelievably distressed by this ad
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I’m at that age where all of my sentences start like this one.
GPS: Take the next right.
Me:
GPS: Make a U-Turn.
GPS: Make a U-Turn.
Me: [Going 70mph down a hill in a Target shopping cart] I don’t know how to tell you this…
Friend: You know that country song that goes-
Me: No.
*panicking* 3-3-3-3-3-3-3-3-3
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Roman: Any last words?
Jesus: I’ll be back.
Ladies, don’t date hungry guys…they’re just trying to get into your pantries.
I think at this point, a pterodactyl egg has better odds of getting laid than I do.
I love birthdays! My boyfriend rented a special hotel room for us to fight in.
You say “my ex is stuck under the back end of your vehicle” like its a bad thing.
One of the Monkees once told me that looking at Medusa would *actually* turn you into a baby semiaquatic rodent, but I had my doubts. Then I saw her face, now I’m a wee beaver.
*playing with a ouija board at a cocktail party*
Me: Is anyone here with us?
T E L L T H E S E P E O P L E T O
U S E A C O A S T E RM: Oh my god! Mom!
To clarify:
DOJA CAT is a 25-year-old rapper, singer, and songwriter.
DEJA CAT is the strange sensation that you’ve seen a cat somewhere before.
Hope this helps!
He stole my heart, so I stole his last name. Is the slogan of a very famous body parts and new ID shop in Mexico.
My son got me some very expensive cologne for Father’s Day. I know it was very expensive because he used my credit card.
Hear me out:
Brunch where pajama attire is required.
People would be more motivated to lose weight if the weight they lost went on to someone they didn’t like. 🤷🏻♀️ 🍩
love is out there. so are bigfoot and the loch ness monster