love is out there. so are bigfoot and the loch ness monster
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[Cave, present day]
Archeologist [Finding a cave painting]
Wow! This is incredible![Cave, thousands of years ago]
Caveman [Finding paint smeared on wall]
What the…KIIIIIIIDDDDS!
After I dropped my daughter off at college, my youngest son said “We’re finally empty nesters. Let’s start traveling”.
[date]
HER: So what’s your spirit animal?
ME: Roosters.
HER: Lol, why?
ME: *leans in close* I also start my day screaming.
Side Effects May Include: upset stomach, diarrhea, a tail, some hooves, ok so you might turn into a horse
A: How much to buy a singing ensemble?
B: You mean a choir?
A: Fine, how much to acquire a singing ensemble?
Them: I wish for world peace
Me: May all the food you order resemble the picture on the menu
My local coffee shop has one of those “No WiFi, pretend it’s the old days” signs so I robbed them and made them promise not to use DNA evidence to convict me.
My 10yo rejected a pair of socks because she could “feel the polka dots” if you’re wondering what the girl from The Princess and the Pea is up to these days.
i wanted som fried chicken but i didnt hav any chicken so i fried a egg and now im waitig for it to hatch
I miss the days before the internet, when you didn’t know some person’s every awful thought until they died and you cleaned out their attic.
Spice up your life. If an insecure person asks if you’re mad at them, always answer “I don’t know.”
When I was 12, I asked a boy at school out. He said he had a girlfriend, but when they broke up I could be his next girlfriend and tbh I’m still waiting.
You mean the stick figures on the back of your vehicle is not your kill count?
*slowly scrapes mine off*
*walks in with singed eyebrows and an empty gas can*
Friend: The revenge didn’t go as planned, did it?
Me: *grabs chainsaw* Nope.
Canadians eat more mac & cheese than any other nation
We also rank first for quality of life
I’m not saying these things are related but ….these things are definitely related
*hears someone breaking in*
*grabs gun and walks down hallway*
*cord drags*
*realizes I grabbed Nintendo gun from Duck Hunt*
*gets shot*
*approaches drive-thru window on a camel*
“Sir, here’s your 17 big macs and a large milkshake.”
May I please have a straw?
*camel collapses*
Is my boss trying to pronounce “charcuterie” or are they genuinely having a stroke? More at 11
I had no idea being an adult would involve so many lotions.
Launched an important petition today. This is a cause that’s very dear to my heart
I’m still pissed that “kill them with kindness” caught on quicker than my “incapacitate, maim and set them on fire with affection.”
Vin Diesel memes still relevant? Ok.
Went to my niece’s elementary school field day last week.
I won every single event.
Every. Single. Event.
*pulls United States of America cartridge out of the Nintendo and blows on it*
Yet another unrealistic beauty standard smh
If stores want to accurately market clothes for people over 40 the mannequins should be lying on the couch by 5PM.
The fastest land animal is a cheetah, the fastest bird is a peregrine falcon, and the fastest human is my Mom when anyone tags me in anything on Facebook
If the virus can keep becoming a new version of itself so can you.
me: how much for the wireless mouse?
pet store employee: that’s a hamster
Me: What you gotta buy from Target?
Her: Target will tell me when I get there