My 10yo rejected a pair of socks because she could “feel the polka dots” if you’re wondering what the girl from The Princess and the Pea is up to these days.
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If a really late person marries a really early person they’ll produce an on time child. In theory.
Hate the weather? Wait 5 minutes. It’s Ohio.
Where you can experience every season within 24 hours.
me: well I grew up without a dad and I turned out okay
cw: don’t u collect human teeth??
me: yeah but they’re not my teeth
DATE: my eyes are up here
ME: [imediately looking up from their dog] sorry
“Joe Biden and I are so close, some places in Indiana refuse to serve us pizza.” – President Obama
Studies show people lose interest in a tweet right about now
[I kneel down, pick up some dirt and let it run through my hand]
uh huh….
[I lick my finger and stick it in the air] hmm….
[I run my knuckles over some moss on a nearby tree]
unless i’m mistaken, it would seem that i’m outside
If only vehicles could be equipped with little blinky lights on the corners to alert other drivers the direction they wished to turn…
You have one fire drill in the middle of the night and they never let you hear the end of it.
I truly don’t get the people that say the only thing they wish for their ex (s) is for them to be happy, even if it’s not with you
I’m over here secretly wishing mine would combust
*buys Sushi for Dummies*
*preheats oven*
*reads first page of Sushi for Dummies*
*turns off oven*
My doctor told me, “If you don’t quit smoking, it doesn’t really matter how poorly you eat” and that was the best day of my life.
Me: Come to my party. I’m making my “secret special punch.”
Her: You mean vodka & food coloring?
Me: Who told you my secret?!?
Unless you have stellar reflexes, throwing a bouncy ball at your spouse during an argument is not the best choice.
*walks in restroom reading phone*
*opens stall door & starts peeing*
Guy (pooping while staring at his phone): DUDE, WHAT THE…
Sure a sense of humor is important but marry you somebody who knows plumbing bc that’s forever.
Mario: can I buy you a drink?
Peach: ew get a life
Mario: *eats mushroom* …now?
I don’t have a reason to post this I just love it
just wait til i figure out what algorithm means
Ran into the librarian I’ve been trying to impress in the Target book section and awkwardly blurted out “I’m just here to buy a TV,” which was way worse of course.
My car has a sunroof, but I consider it more of a middle finger display hatch.
It’s my birthday eve, when Birthday Claus comes down the chimney and leaves me three additional wrinkles, two new mysterious body aches, and a skin tag.
I’ve never been to Pilates but I have tried to change clothes in the car.
Bank ads make me want to hide my money under my mattress.
They also make me want to acquire some money for hiding, but that’s a side issue.
my dad didn’t let me date untill i was pregnant…
Me, walking around the limbo bar: Imbeciles
Marie Kondo Vs. Hoarders
“Do these 370 cats bring you joy?”
“Yes. Get out!”
Me to barking dog: You get away from that window. Leave the poor bunny rabbit alone.
Also me: I bought you a bunny squeak toy you can pretend to kill over and over.
I’m jealous of babies because they don’t know anybody yet
*Hears something go bump in the night.
Me: *jumping out of bed. Who’s there?
Ghost: Oh shit, I woke the scary one.