My wife said we would save money on Halloween candy if we bought it at Aldi so I guess we’re handing out Twicks, Skattles, and 4 Musketeers.
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Me: lets go on a date
Her: umm
Me: what could go wrong
*25 minutes later we are being chased by a pack of raccoons*
How about I get 100% off by already being there
My daughter wants to study burrowing rodents. I told her to gopher it.
Me after learning something literally 5 min ago:
Everybody else who doesn’t know this thing is an idiot
People always say “unceremoniously fired” like it ever happens any other way. I’d like to see a big ceremony for firing somebody. Get the gang together. Order a cake. Wear some special robes.
Someone needs to speak to the graphic designer who came up with this.
me (watching Predator when the Predator comes on screen): he’s not allowed near schools
Me: Finally! A fridge with an automatic ice dispenser! This truly is the good life!
Also me: *reaches in to grab cubes with my hand EVERY. SINGLE. TIME.*
How many raisins do I have to add to this bag of M&Ms before it qualifies as trail mix? One? I say one.
I’ll know I’m marrying the right person when we’ve both cancelled the wedding twice
This painting is titled “Mother, May I Sleep with Danger?”
‘I like mouse but I couldn’t eat a whole one’
– Our sodding cat
Me: What’s the first step of fire safety?
4-year-old: Stay away from dragons.
Me:
4:
Me: Well, obviously.
Dating life- Finds rose petals on the ground when I wake up
Married life- Finds my husband’s toenails on the ground when I wake up
each morning I put one uncooked ravioli in a thermos. i pour hot water over it, steeping it like tea, and then i drink it all day at work (i work at the white house) and at the end of the day, as i take the last sip of the tea, the soft ravioli slides into my mouth, and i eat it
Why would I pay for a haunted house when I can wake up to my kid silently standing by my bed at 5 AM.
Taking a road trip with my toddler made me realize that I do in fact negotiate with terrorists.
Pilot: There’s a loose…
Engineer: Tape.
P: And some rivets hav…
E: Tape.
P: Also signs of metal fatigu…
E: Tape.
P: And a panel is missi…
E: Tape.
P: Hydraulic failu…
E: Tape.
P: Th…
E: Tape.
P:
E: Tape.
Overheard:
The one thing we’ve learned from this crisis is that if the Martians invaded earth, our first response would be to lower interest rates.
[wife gets in the car after talking with the priest]
“What did the priest have to say?”
“He said you have to stop rapping over the choir.”
pitching a show called Hitler about a guy who’s always being attacked by time travelers
At this point, I think the people on “The Walking Dead” are trying to bore the zombies into not biting them.
*getting murdered*
wait stop moving. im trying to get the dog filter on both of us
DATE: You hear that an ostrich escaped from the zoo?
ME: [from the kitchen] No
DATE: Oh. What’s for dinner?
ME: A suspiciously large chicken
Took my kids out to dinner & was quickly reminded why I never take them out to dinner.
My cousin Clevis is afraid of nudists. He’s the only person I know who bought a T-shirt cannon for self-defense.
never seen my husband madder than the time i snuck on his facebook and blindly ‘liked’ every single post on the feed for 10 minutes
The school is serving mini corn dogs tomorrow and I honestly don’t know who’s more excited: my 8yo, who likes approximately 5 foods, or me, who doesn’t have to pack her lunch.
2020: My work here is done. Nothing will ever top my masterpiece.
2021: Hold my Mountain Dew.
Recreational running is the muggle equivalent of drinking unicorn blood. Sure, you’ll probably live longer, but at a terrible price.