Them: Where do you see yourself in 30+ years?
Me:
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Hey! Remember how fat your arms are?
-Summer
I really loved the idea of moving and re-decorating until I realized one pillow is literally $25
Pilot [over intercom]: This is your captain speaking, since you are here for 14 hours anyway, here is the first season of my podcast.
🤣dope
I told my husband that one of the kids isn’t his. He’s not mine either. He just wandered in one day and never went home.
you can do it, they said…put your back into it, they said
[hanging out in my basement]
Wife: You know, this room could really use more natural light.
Me: Help yourself. There’s plenty in the fridge.
If you can’t beat them, try again when they’re sleeping.
Remembering the time my science teacher couldn’t detect my heartbeat and got angry at me as though I was deliberately withholding my pulse to bolster my goth credentials.
It sucks when you’re stuck in traffic behind a truck so you have no idea what’s going on down the road. For all you know Godzilla is melting cars a block ahead.
What if, instead of candy we give out things we no longer want, like a scratched up non-stick pan
Zen master: Why are you still tweeting? The validation isn’t real.
Me: Neither are you.
Zen master: Oh bugger.
[getting pulled over]
Me: R u a bear cop?
Bear cop: Is that a problem?
Me: As long as you’re not a maul cop
*mauls me for bad pun*
“I’m not like other American tourists.” I tell the waiter, who looks at us puzzled, so I sigh and repeat myself slower and louder.
Twitter is the only place where you encourage strangers to follow you. What could possibly go wrong?
Others: if you want your house to smell like xmas take a pot of water & add sliced oranges,cinnamon sticks, vanilla, peppercorns, cranberries, forage for 3 pine branches and simmer all day
Me: lights xmas candle
Someone left an honest-to-goodness Yellow Pages phonebook on my front porch today. I immediately notified the Smithsonian. kids, ask your parents what a phonebook is.
Me: so then you bring in 3 investors and like they bring in 3 investors and it just keeps going and going until we all get rich. You get it?
Pharaoh: i actually love this
I don’t understand wanting a pet and then getting fish. All you can do is look at them. A fish tank is basically a boring TV show that you have to feed.
Randomly print things to give your co-workers the impression you’re working.
Me: I’m tired
My brain: turn on the tv
Me: but I need sleep
My brain: go pay some bills
Me: I’m so exhausted
My brain: oRgAnIzE yOuR sPiCes
Her: hear that?
Me: nope
Her: what if someone’s is trying to get in to murder me?
Me: only person that wants to murder you is already inside
My mom took a picture of me in 1983 using a camera with a flashcube and the light in my eyes just stopped flashing.
I know for a fact that the devil exists because I have to pee real bad every time I finish chopping a jalapeño
Just look at all these clinical brochures I got at the Doctor. Alcohol abuse, drug abuse, unprotected sex…
Sounds like a fun night!
Took an 11 year old to play golf and Ive now graduated from his butler to his caddie.
Can you fail a drug test from a mosquito bite?
Asking for the next person this mosquito bites.
i’d rather go to jail than go camping. at least jail is inside
I have a plan. I bring him home ,but don’t sleep with him.
Long story short he pays for the taxi.
Bird: *flies into my office window*
Me: yeah, same.