Just look at all these clinical brochures I got at the Doctor. Alcohol abuse, drug abuse, unprotected sex…
Sounds like a fun night!
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Me: why is my water bill always so high?
Me in shower:
Bartender: What can I get you?
Me: Sex, beards, rock & roll?
Bartender:
Me: Sparkling vampire crazy about me?
Bartender:
Me: Beer.
The letter C should make a “ch” sound. S and K got the rest covered. Waste of prime alphabet real estate and does nothing original without help from my man H.
Tape a terrible drawing of a refrigerator onto your child.
gimma back my stick frost man… 😖☃️
I know this intervention is serious business but I see absolutely no snacks here.
you begin to tell your eye doctor that you’ve been seeing “floaters” when he gets a strange look on his face and begins to rise
Pizza: You should totally eat all of me. Like, all by yourself.
Me: What? No way.
Pizza: Why not?
Me: That’s a really good point.
The early bird catches a worm. The on-time bird catches a different worm. The late bird also catches a worm. There are tons of worms and they have no human concept of time
You can’t fix stupid but you can divorce it
I yelled at my wife “Your skirt is way too short”
She replied, “That’s because it’s made for a woman. Now take it off & give it to me”
DICKENS: I’ve got writers block… I’ll have a martini, Bob.
BARTENDER: Olive or twist?
DICKENS: *looks into camera*
Doughnut boxes advertise “ZERO TRANS FAT” as if anyone buying a box of doughnuts cares about the nutritional content.
dr: we had to remove your colon
me why
I’m a Florida 4, but a Walmart 6, so I’m a Florida Walmart 5.
My wife always nags me and it’s annoying. “Stop chewing so loudly”, “Why don’t you replace the toilet paper roll?”, “Wake up hurry, my water broke!”
[at gym]
Him: How much do you bench?
Me: Way less than I couch.
My therapist doesn’t believe in werewolves so I left my last session with more problems than when I arrived.
My new diet consists in killing anyone who tells me I’m fat.
Dude! Stop being such a baby, man up, walk over there and ask her if she like, ‘like-likes’ me.
My spirit animal just ran into a glass door.
“Quit” is not in my vocabulary but “resign”, “drop out”, and “give up” are.
“Look, when I signed up for the Marines I had no idea they might order me to do things I don’t feel like doing.”
“SOME OF US ARE TRYING TO SLEEP” I yell at the neighbor I can hear vacuuming at 1pm in the afternoon.
Change is always hard….
Especially when a jar of it falls on your head.
Drinking alone last week
– depressing
– antisocial
– i “have a problem”Drinking alone today at 11 am
– conscientious
– courageous
– saving your nana’s life
DR: your IQ test results are abysmal
ME: is… is that good?
Wow, your teeth are white.
Thanks. I’m just curious, what color were you expecting?
doctor: jogging will extend your life
me: thanks for the warning