dr: we had to remove your colon
me why
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Got booked for a last minute gig tonight but I knew it wasn’t prank because the pay was too low.
THEY’RE over THERE worrying about THEIR grammar, while YOU’RE right here concerned with YOUR punctuation. YOU’RE welcome TO share this, TOO.
I keep hearing “Just be yourself” from everyone. I didn’t realize so many people want me to go to prison 🙁
Wife: Why is the dog limping?
Me: *uncomfortable pause*
Wife: Well?
Me: Uncomfortable paws?
me: are you guys going to publish my book on negotiating
publisher: no
me: ok
Deep down, we’re all that one lady in 7-11 with her bathrobe on.
H: Why do you always wear your hair in a ponytail?
Me: I can’t afford a face lift.
Imagine you are genuinely trying to recover from a major surgery and you just have your social media and PR team coming in with increasingly worse news
Oh no I got so excited that you texted me that I accidentally replied 11 thousand times and then swung into your house on a rope
WebMD on April Fools: You’re fine
If she’s playing Wheel of Fortune, and has “_ONAL_ _UCK” left to win $8500, then she wants the D
There was an unattended whistle just lying in the middle of the living room floor so anyway I buried it out in the woods and now we can all move on with our lives
By the logic that declares Die Hard a holiday film, I think we should classify Titanic as a Hallmark Christmas movie.
-female lead ditches rich jerky fiancé for humble poor boy
-lots of lights
-iconic pop culture theme music
-lots of ice
-female lead’s hair is very improbable
Websites really should skip the log in screen and just go straight to the reset password screen.
hate how quietly iphones die. at 5% it should start verbally begging for its life
We all suspected Tide Pods were a gateway detergent. Sure, they seem innocent, but the next thing you know, you’re mainlining Lysol.
So I harvested my tomato today, it’s bound to be good considering the $43.29 I invested to plant it.
everybody’s a toughguy until they have to use a screwdriver overhead for two minutes
I’m a big Kate Bush fan, and thanks to her I’ve just discovered a fascinating historical drama series called Stranger Things, all about youngsters in America a long time ago.
Went out of town for the weekend and I’m so happy to be home so I can have insomnia in my own bed
Quit doubting my abilities, I can drive with one hand and crash the car with the other…
Sometimes I think I’m pretty well-read and other times I see the word “doing” and pronounce it like it rhymes with “boing.”
Noah: An ark? Full of animals??
God: …
Noah: You even listening??
God: Sorry what? I was checking out the iPhone 6. This thing is garbage.
The best coffee is outside my house but the best no bra is inside my house so you see my dilemma
“Dad, can you tell me what a solar eclipse is?”
No sun.
Staring at my daughters dolls and wondering which one will kill me in my sleep.
🎵 so no one told you life was gonna be this waaaaaay… 🎵
My autocorrect changed “graphic designer” to “groaning designer.” For once, it’s not wrong.
I sexually identify as a cup of ramen noodles. I’m little, cheap, will leave you unsatisfied and i’m the last resort for many people.
Me: Babe, out of my purse can you bring me my…
*Husband brings entire purse*