Her: What’s with the dozen donuts?
Me: They’re for my meeting at work.
Her: Isn’t it a zoom meeting?
Me: And?
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[2 dogs eating dinner]
“u know Sharon, that life insurance policy u found me is great”
[stops chewing]
“why does this taste like chocolate”
tom cruise struggle to operating a rod and reel and it’s all tangled and messed up. fishin’ impossible
My kid spends so much time at the nurse’s office she now has a medical degree.
[blind date]
Me: So you can’t see me?
Him: Nope. Not at all.
Me: (stops sucking in gut) This is the best date ever!
20 minutes: I have plenty of time
15 minutes: OH SHIT
Do dogs think humans are in a constant battle to claim toilets?
Jesus. But make it not Jesus and not fashion.
Come back with a warrant
Can you teach a self-cleaning oven to do the rest of the house?
Men only want ONE THING and it’s to have a portrait hidden in their attic that becomes ugly and twisted while they remain young and beautiful forever
Maybe Millennials aren’t having children because we lived through the nightmare of raising Tamagotchis. :/
Zelda is the name of the PRINCESS, the guy in green who saves her is named Luigi, idiots.
“Regardless of what Newton said, gravity is just a theory that you humans choose to accept as fact. If you simply refuse to take it as a given, then the whole paradigm shifts. Anyway Brenda, when you’ve got a minute, the litter in my box could really use a change.”
I just met a woman who told me she had “trouble keeping weight on” in times of stress. I ate her.
“Doing the dishes” is completely pointless and only wastes water. You’re just going to put food on them again in a few hours.
Parents: don’t give your child the answers to his homework. He needs to learn on his own that you don’t know what you’re talking about.
[ancient greece]
teacher: what have you all chosen for your thesis
hippocrates: I’m laying the ground work for centuries of modern medicine
socrates: I am examining what it means to be
ptolemy: uh you guys ever uh notice how those stars look like a bear
Hostage: [screaming]
Mafia boss: hurry up and tape his mouth!
Me: [still trying to find the beginning of the tape on the roll]
when santa breaks into homes to take food it’s festive but when i do it it’s a crime??
Me: So now you will deep dive into my lore?
Interviewer: Well, we call it a background check, but sure.
You ever not fold your laundry for so long by the time you get around to it, none of the baby clothes fit the baby anymore?
I’ve noticed many of my friends are in The Grapefruit Window, which means they’re old enough to enjoy eating grapefruit but not yet on medication that prevents them from eating grapefruit.
90% of marriage is seething hostility towards your spouse for being on their phone once your own phone dies
Tier 3 meme
I’m so over sweating. I’m putting a pin in sweating for the next two months. We can circle back on sweating in September.
*phone rings
15: I hope it’s him!
*phone rings
25: hope it’s about the job
*phone rings
35: (handing phone to stranger) i died. tell them
This toddler in line behind me at Target is a fantastic dancer and it’s really starting to piss me off.
[inventing mint choc-chip]
me: “people love ice cream right?”
boss: “yes they do”
me: “people love chocolate chips?”
boss: “i hear ya”
me: “know what else people love?”
boss: “hit me”
me: “brushing their teeth”
If I’m guilty of anything, it’s loving TOO much. And several felonies in 3 different states. But mostly loving too much.
It’s called Wal-Mart because the Center for Disease Control was taken.