[ancient greece]
teacher: what have you all chosen for your thesis
hippocrates: I’m laying the ground work for centuries of modern medicine
socrates: I am examining what it means to be
ptolemy: uh you guys ever uh notice how those stars look like a bear
You Might Also Like
No, officer, no one is being murdered. I just had to rinse the shampoo out of my child’s hair.
*Trains lightning bugs to spell*
Karen, they have a message for u
WILL YOU M-
“Omg Yes!”
OVE OUT?
Oh good. Here I packed your bags already.
Man: I’d like an order of buffalo wings
Bartender: sorry, we don’t serve food here
*a sandwich that just walked in flips a table and leaves*
“College looks so fun I bet your camera roll is insane”
My camera roll:
31 years old, still bitterly disappointed by what “carpool” means.
What people don’t know about me is, when I say “No worries!” There’s a hidden comma in the middle 😓
She: 5 mins babe
He: Ok*discovers a new planet*
*travels to it*
*discovers life*
*returns back*He: Ready?
She: 5 mins babe
Apparently everyone was too high in the 70’s when Grease came out to notice that every “student” at Rydell High looked like they were 35
Millennial: what’s crackalackin’?
Me: my knees, my shoulder, my neck, and my back
I used to wear tailored suits. Now I have “good” leggings, “grocery store” leggings and “so it’s come to this” leggings.
Milkshakes might bring the boys to your yard, but burnt garlic toast brings firefighters to your door.
[Bruce Willis on his deathbed]
Bruce: Viagra!
Dr: Bruce this isn’t the time-
Bruce: Give me…a Viagra!
Dr: Ok
*Bruce Dies…Hard*
I hate when recipes tell you to take something out of the pan and add it back in later. No way bro. It’s staying in there.
Cheese is plural because you never eat just one chee
Mom was disappointed there were no fights on her flight. I gave her some tips for the return flight.
ME: *eating shepherd’s pie* this is really yummy
SHEPHERD: hey, that’s my pie
we’ve all got that one homie who is taking poison damage over time who’s always like “gah. oof. ugh. gah. oof. ugh. gah. oof. ugh.”
I’m not a doctor, but I play one on eHarmony.
I think Titanic is fake because, how do they record it when they are all dieing in the water?
Interviewer: How many words can you type a minute?
Me: Given a full minute I could probably type any word
Cop: you get one phone call
me: [dials 911] help
HR: Do you use the visualization exercises from the anger management class?
Me: Yes, I picture a swarm of bees attacking co-workers.
WAITRESS: Would you like to try a quesadilla?
ME: I can barely eat one dilla, let alone a whole case.
I see what percentage you guys leave your phones on, how the hell are you gonna expect electric cars to get you anywhere.
As I drove into the cemetery, the GPS announced I had reached my final destination.
My neighbor rolled her garbage bins out at 5:30am so in turn I entered her cell number on five car warranty websites
Actually, this is my first rodeo. Why is that angry cow trying to kill me?
something like this could probably happen to anyone
I gave up going to work for lent.