My neighbor rolled her garbage bins out at 5:30am so in turn I entered her cell number on five car warranty websites
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[first day as a Detective]
me: omg he was invisible
partner: that’s a chalk outline
me: [under breath] and they stole the body
If we just switch to cursive and ban automatic transmissions, we can cripple an entire generation.
*getting murdered*
wait stop moving. im trying to get the dog filter on both of us
Instructor: Welcome to our Summer with Kids Preparedness class. Our first lesson is how to apply sunscreen. Everyone grab an angry raccoon.
The speed walking event just looks like a group of people hurrying to get somewhere to take a shit.
When people show up unexpectedly for dinner:
Tonight we have slow boiled hot dog sat upon Dempsters bun with a tomato puree beside carrot sticks and crispy potato patty garnished with strawberry slices
My wife just opened my car door for me.
Would have been a nice gesture had we not been going 70mph.
I took my cat to the vet in my gardening clothes.
The vet looked me over.
He must’ve decided I looked like a flood victim because he gave me 5 days of meds free.
As a doctor I too can prescribe up to 100 milligrams of internet a day
Oh, dearest paracetamol,
A mystery to me,
Why sometimes you cost £1.10,
But sometimes 20p.
Greek people must feel like a tampon.
They live in one of the most beautiful places in the world, but at the worst period.
If you’re ever attacked by a mob of angry clowns…
…go for the juggler.
I’m a lot like a 3 legged table: I make dinner very uncomfortable
The brat next door is outside banging on a metal bucket in his front yard …..guess it’s about that time to go mow my gravel driveway.
Ruin a perfectly nice trip out with your child by bringing your child.
Hey fitness people, it’s great that I know what all of your gym bathrooms look like.
[Breakfast]
My Wife: What are you doing?
Me: *spreading toothpaste on toast* Multitasking.
Husband: “They say humans are not meant to multitask.”
Me: *cooking dinner while holding toddler while signing permission slip with foot while shooting lasers from eyes at him* “You don’t say.”
Strange to think that exactly four years ago at the start of lockdown in the UK we all began stockpiling pasta, yeast and toilet paper. Those were some of the worst meals I’ve ever eaten.
The casinos are closed, so get your gambling fix by ordering groceries online.
them: PTSD
my brain: Pacific Time Standard Disorder
Eventually, everyone will be quarantined to their houses with no sports to watch… and in 9 months from now a boom of babies will be born… and we will call them the coronials. #Coronials #Youhearditherefirst
My cousin was Mulder on Halloween. He loves the X-Files! Oh stupid autocorrect. That should have said “murdered”. And “loved”, past tense.
Them: We deliver in 30 mins or less. Guaranteed.
Me: Uh, I mean– That’s okay. I’d really rather you take your ti–
Doctor [sprinting away with my pregnant wife in his arms]: STARTING NOW!
[A pterodactyl walks into a bar]
“Ptequila, pthanks.”
[movie studio in the 2010s]
“This script stars The Rock as-”
Studio: WE’LL MAKE IT
*pulls away from kissing*
Me: Please insert 2oz of cheese to continue.
We’re gonna catapult that guy into next Tuesday!
Pedant: Actually…
[pedant being being hurled across the sky via trebuchet]
My retirement plan is basically these 10 scratch off lottery games.
* scratches *
Damn.
Ok, 9 scratch off lottery games…..