Eventually, everyone will be quarantined to their houses with no sports to watch… and in 9 months from now a boom of babies will be born… and we will call them the coronials. #Coronials #Youhearditherefirst
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Marriage is basically a never ending competition to prove who is the most tired
JERRY SEINFELD: so what’s the *deal* with airplane food
ME (whispering to my date): it’s actually called “jetfuel”
AirBnB is fun for when you want to be financially abused by a stranger with a binder filled with rules.
Me: How much for the goth cucumber?
Clerk: That’s a cactus…
Fun Fact:
A burrito will never sleep with your best friend behind your back.
Pasta aisle is cleaned out because that’s all most people know how to cook.
It’s hard to think about mama johns staying home with all the children johns while papa johns are away at pizza wars.
To me, being Single means never having to apologize..
Unless someone drops by my disgusting house unannounced
Damn even I didn’t expect him to lift up the pizza lol
How many calories does an audible sigh burn? Because I don’t think my Apple Watch is giving me credit for them.
Her: I like a man who’s environmentally aware
Me *pointing at the sky*: That’s a cloud
Spider-man never tweets via iPhone. He’s a web kinda guy.
7-year-old: *telling me the rules of a game she made up* The goalies get swords.
Me: I am so in.
[Sick salmon goes to oracle.]
O seer, will I be cured?
*oracle looks into the future, sees giant package of lox*
-Yes you will, my son.
My daughter and I decided to play Monopoly, and we’ve been arguing about the rules for the last hour.
“Please stop that.” -person who witnessed first guy beatboxing
My 13 y/o daughter is a little disappointed that her friends backed out of wearing an inflatable shark costume for Halloween and are going as Bluey characters instead but she’s sticking with the shark.
13: They just don’t take Halloween as seriously as me.
People that say, “If you already have a couple of kids, what’s a couple more?” have obviously never had four kids.
How does a Ninja attack a pig?
Pork Chop.
DOG COP: sir, you ran a gray light
DOG DRIVER: it was gray!
COP: no, it was gray!
DRIVER: gray!
COP: *starts barking*
DRIVER: *barking*
experienced cop: it’s ok kid, you get used to it
millennial rookie cop, retching near murder scene: the coffee you brought was not artisanal
I thought the husband was finally taking photography seriously by telling me to move to the right and smile. Turned out to be a nice shot of me with the dog taking a crap in the background.
fellas, if your girl:
•has got it going on
•she’s all you want
•you’ve waited for so longshe’s not your girl, she’s stacey’s mom
Someone gave my boyfriend a book about men getting the upper hand in relationships and I told him to let me read it since he knows how much I love fiction
Me: Why is a squid throwing away all my stuff?
Calamarie Kondo: What
I think I just invented four new yoga poses trying to get a chocolate chip that I dropped under the table.
Satan: you can spend eternity in hell OR you can go to work for the first time in 5 days.
Me: hmmm
Satan: well?
Me: IM THINKING, DAMN IT
mother-in-law (on FB): I’m tired of everyone being so condesending
*wife tackles me before I can write “you spelled ‘condescending’ wrong”*
People keep asking Me why I created mosquitoes. To bite you repeatedly and give you malaria, that’s why.