Someone gave my boyfriend a book about men getting the upper hand in relationships and I told him to let me read it since he knows how much I love fiction
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tag: “dry clean only”
me: single-use garment? what a waste
I DO love to rush breathlessly into Starbucks and scream “Is anyone in here writing a screen play? We need one! This is an emergency!”
I’m scared some kid is going to break into my house and fleek me to death with a bae
Let us pray for my Facebook friend who not only has a headache, but her bus is running a bit late too.
[surprising my bf at work]
Me: Hey you *wink*
Him: *stops putting out cheese samples* We’ve been over this, lady, either buy something or leave
My daughters took turns tracing each other over and over with chalk.
Now it looks like 25 children were murdered in my driveway.
First time drinking whiskey.
Barman: And this one is 15 years old.
Me: Do you have any fresh ones?
I have actually used trigonometry for work. I was promised by so many people that this would never happen.
I gave my 12yo a punishment and she asked if I could pick a different punishment, thereby demonstrating that she does not, in fact, grasp the concept of a punishment.
(3am, my kid wakes up)
Me: *Pretends to be asleep*
My wife: *Pretends to be more asleep*
Me: *Pretends to be even more asleep*
My wife: *Pretends to be even way more asleep*