Someone gave my boyfriend a book about men getting the upper hand in relationships and I told him to let me read it since he knows how much I love fiction
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I know it might seem cruel, but unless you鈥檝e lived through the horror of a sheep infestation, you couldn鈥檛 possibly understand.
My second child was so overdue, when we left the hospital we dropped her off at kindergaten.
Something our American friends may not know about us Canadians: all 38 million of us know each other
Judge: Guilty!
*bangs gavel*NINE MONTHS LATER
*gavel holding freaky gavel-human hybrid baby*
Judge: *tears welling up* ..he has your eyes
Fun trick: Swap guacamole with wasabi, then watch.
Mama Bear: Ok but last time
Papa Bear: Thanks, babe
[she puts on a Goldilocks wig]
Mama Bear (falsetto): I can’t sleep here! It’s toooo hard
As an automobile advocate, I am begging people to stop using the term “Accident” and instead use “Car interaction”.
I never ran away from home but when I was six I asked everyone else in the house to move out.
I know Chernobyl like the hand on my back.
Raise your arms and run through the police crime scene tape like you’re finishing a marathon.
cleared my schedule so Friday me will have a great day but Monday me is gonna be PISSED
they split up moments later
JUDGE: i sentence you to life in prison
MY LAWYER WHO IS A HOUSE FLY: nice that’s only like 11 days
I’m not saying your perfume is too strong. I’m just saying the canary was alive before you got here.
Pete: I’m Pete
Peter: I’m Peter
Me, competitive: I’m Petest
[fancy restaurant]
me: isn鈥檛 this dim lighting so romantic?
moth date: [shrugs]
I WOULD LIKE TO SPEAK TO THE EARTH鈥橲 MANAGER
Neighbors of serial killers always describe them as “really nice” people.
Who else is a “really nice” neighbor?
Canada.
I’m just sayin’
A squirrel just tried to break into my house,
I’ve gotta find another tree
The Untrained Meteorologist is a classic
馃ぃ馃ぃ馃ぃ馃ぃ
don鈥檛 let your artist friends wander off by themselves. you never know what they鈥檒l agree to
The only remnant I have of my youth is the inability to open a pill bottle.
The top Little Caesars pizza competitor is Big Brutus.
Of all the martial arts, karaoke inflicts the most pain.
I asked my 4-year-old to pick up her toys and she hissed at me like an angry cat. Do I approach the hissing child? Do I let it be? Idk what to do. The parenting books don’t talk about this.
When a possum plays dead he’s “smart” and “instinctual” but when I do it, it’s all “what’s wrong with you” and “crime scene investigators are at the door.”
you guys all say you hate lawyers until you need our help navigating the extremely burdensome and unforgiving system we designed
This needs to be over soon because my husband is starting to realize I鈥檓 not out of his league.
West Side Story is great because it asks ‘What could be more horrifying than gang violence?’ and concludes that the answer is theatre kids.
If someone is throwing shade, they’re doing you a favor. Use it, avoid sun damage; let your perfect skin be something else for them to hate.