As an automobile advocate, I am begging people to stop using the term “Accident” and instead use “Car interaction”.
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If I cared about being judged by a stranger, I’d be religious.
Growing up, Sesame Street taught me the importance of education, empathy, and kindness.
Bugs Bunny, on the other hand, taught me that revenge on my enemies should be quick, clever, and brutal.
My weight loss plan is to skip breakfast and lunch…
And then eat seven dinners.
[ER: Goth Unit]
Nurse: Doctor, the patient is starting to smile
Doctor: God damnit NOT ON MY WATCH I WANT 500 CCS OF JOY DIVISION NOW
You know that runny food on your plate that touches all the other food? That’s you, butting into a conversation.
You’re creamed corn.
If I had a bitcoin for every time someone tried to explain bitcoins to me I’d have a lot of bitcoins, and no idea what to do with them.
I lost my cool when I had to click on a heart three times before it would stick.
I’d probably make a lousy paramedic.
“14 years, £20 billion later and my team have finally finished building a Large Hadron Kaleidoscope.”
“You mean Collider?”
“Oh shit!”
Everything I know about sex I learned from Tetris: rotate it and hope it fits in another slot
me: well I grew up without a dad and I turned out okay
cw: don’t u collect human teeth??
me: yeah but they’re not my teeth
you’d think eating your young was more filling.
I am also baked goods
Still waiting on Gwen Stefani to release a song explaining budgeting.
Packing my lunch and including two fruits so they have each other to keep company when I don’t eat either of them
suspect: i ain’t talkin
cop: [sharpens knife] we got ways of making people talk [cuts a piece of cake]
suspect: can i have some
cop: cake is for talkers
Welcome to Sarcastic Club
Im sooo happy to see you all
Anyone know the 1st rule?
“Be less sarcastic?”
Ooo lets have this guy teach the class
It’s actually only “Helvetica” if it comes from the Helvetia region of Europe. Otherwise you have to call it “sparkling Arial”
Toured a marmalade factory today. That was jarring
My husband just left town for a work trip. I didn’t want him to miss out on anything so I made him a mixtape of the kids whining.
*Texting* “Yeah sorry I’ve just got something very important to do. You go without me.”
*Pan out to me laying on the bed with a pan of brownies*
*looking a gift horse in the mouth*
– British dentists
Me: My car makes a weird noise when I turn.
Mechanic: For how long?
Me: Just until I’m done turning.
Mechanic:
Festive toon…
A lot of parents are asking questions about my baby cannon. Like “Does it really fire babies?” & “Have you seen my son Jeff?”
Her: Let’s play doctor.
Me: Ok. That’ll be $500.
Them: You have a choice-
Me: I’ll take the bad choice, please.
Her: Give me a chat up line?
Me: Uh ok, are you a zookeeper?
Her: *laughs* Because I’m so captivating?
Me: No, you smell like an animal.
I thought this waitress was in love with me but then right in front of my eyes she started to bring other people food.
friend: look how big my new plant is getting!
me: oh wow, if you think that’s big you should see some of the ones outside has