As an automobile advocate, I am begging people to stop using the term “Accident” and instead use “Car interaction”.
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{yard full of boys}
*pointing at milkshakeExterminator: there’s your problem
Hell is having a married couple tell you a story at the same time.
“Ohhh, that’s what you meant by period sex” I say, removing my powdered wig and waistcoat.
[radioshack meeting]
employee: sir, overall sales are really low.
CEO: when did we start selling overalls, bro?
Skrillex! It’s your cousin Marvin. Marvin Skrillex! Know that sound you’ve been looking for? I think I found it! *holds phone up to blender*
Been hearing a lot lately about bleaching your asshole. Do you just dump bleach over his head & keep out of his eyes or make him consume it?
[heaven]
darwin: *looking down*
angel: what’s going on?
darwin: watch this![]()
*friend you haven’t spoken to in years posts photos of their marriage*
wow thanks for the invite beth did our 6 weeks of drivers ed together mean nothing to u
[on phone with poison control] How much would I have to swallow to be just sick enough to miss work for a few days?
JOB INTERVIEWER: it says here ur a postmodern deconstructivist…?
ME: did ur parents realy name u ‘Job’? especialy with a last name like urs?
Me: You’ve got the same stupid duck face in every picture! Daffy: Erm… 😐
Never meet your heroes. They’ll invariably disappoint you by asking a bunch of awkward questions about why you’ve been standing outside their house all night dressed as an owl.
“I’m too important too attend the training on the new system. When I need to get in it you can walk me through it each time”
~Management
‘Twas the night before Christmas,
and everyone knew,you were still out shopping,
yes, it sucks to be you.
DHL: Hi! We popped by!
Me: No you didn’t
DHL: But there wasn’t anyone in!
Me: Yes there was
DHL: Would you like us to divert your parcel to a local service point?
Me: *Sigh* fine
DHL: Well we can’t!
Sitting down and tilting your head to the side will increase your chances of food intake by 82%.
– Dog Logic
I have normal fears like everyone else, like spiders and snakes and the fear that someone is gonna inject me with heroin and I’ll immediately become an addict at no fault of my own and end up living on the streets. Ya know, regular stuff.
People say to enjoy the messes your kids leave, because you’ll miss them when they’re grown and gone.
I like to call those people liars.
It is truly easier to forgive your enemies than figure out how to limit their access to your facebook page.
friends: if bruce wayne was poor batman wouldn’t exist
me: *under breath* what the hell does bruce wayne have to do with batman
AMERICA: We don’t need the metric system, our measurement system is fine
AMERICAN MEASUREMENT SYSTEM:![]()
I am laughing way too hard at this.
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Me:”If you ever give me another gift with ‘some assembly required’, you’re dead to us.”
6:*writing thank you card* But, um..
Me: Write it!
My neighbors have been calling for their cat for 15 minutes. I’ve been meowing out the window for 30.
It’s the weekend; time to get my nopes up.
one of my ex’s just randomly sent me $200 for “the trauma he caused me”. this is the only form of apology i will be excepting from now on
Reasons my teen is mad this morning
– I took her shopping
– I bought the shirt she wanted
– I asked her to wear the shirt
– I don’t understand why the shirt doesn’t have the vibes
Person: Hi, my name is *my brain plays 3 seconds of air horn*
Me: I’m sorry, what was that?
Person: I’m *air horn*
Me: Again?
Person:
Just ate a whole dictionary. It was alphabet soup, but I figure all the words were in there.