Reasons my teen is mad this morning
– I took her shopping
– I bought the shirt she wanted
– I asked her to wear the shirt
– I don’t understand why the shirt doesn’t have the vibes
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My teachers always told me drugs were never the answer, but they also told me Pluto was a planet, so now I don’t know what to think.
A spider just fell from the ceiling and landed right in front of me and now I have to explain why a woman was screaming in my cubicle.
Gonna put watermelon on my pizza just to start a Twitter uproar
I love how girls say that they like a guy with a sense of humour and yet you’ll never find a poster of Mr Bean on their wall.
I wonder if my bank account thinks about me and has panic attacks.
[restaurant]
ME: *reading menu* how’s the chicken parm?
OUR WAITER, TONY THE TIGER: it’s grr-
MANAGER: *glares at Tony*
TONY: it’s exquisite
I haven’t had a cookie or a piece of Christmas candy in 24 hours. Is this a cleanse?
Them: Are you the woman who overuses contractions?
Me: I’m.
Me: I can’t wait for this pandemic to be over so I can go back to hanging out in person with friends, visiting relatives, showering every day…
Her: Nothing is stopping you from showering every day now.
Me: Do you even hear how crazy you sound right now?
Welcome to Pushovers Anonymous. Cool if we start with a reading?
“fine by me!”
“you bet!”
“sounds good!”
“NO”
Sir, please leave.
“NO”
Okay.
[lights 2016 calendar on fire]
There. Now you can’t hurt anyone any longer.
[wind blows calendar onto my coat; I’m engulfed in flames]
The dog version of Die Hard:
– Barkatomi Plaza
– John McGoodboy
– Holly Gennaroof
– Alan Rickman is a mailman
– Arfgyle
My 3yr old lost her mind because I apparently hurt her doll’s feelings. I swear I’ve been nothing but polite to that doll but now it’s on.
salesman: you’ll like this car
me: how many dogs fit in it
salesman: how many what
me: dogs. come on dude have you never sold cars before
Seize the day. Attack the week. Murder the month. Approach your life in a generally violent way.
If he marries someone else, raises a family, and leads a very fulfilling life, maybe he’s just not that into you.
Silence is golden
But duct tape is silver.
Me: sshhhhh, the house is right there *loading shotgun*
Realtor: *steps on a twig that snaps loudly*
House: *picks up garage and runs into the forest*
Me: for a realtor, you really suck at house hunting
*Killer sneaks into my house to murder me but sees me practicing karate w/ my big stuffed dog I won from the carnival and changes his mind*
I’m getting tired of my husband always borrowing lotion that I stole from his gym bag.
Justin Bieber’s home has now been thoroughly searched, but police have uncovered no evidence of talent.
PRIEST: In the beginning there was the word
ME: capsicum
P: no
M: tumescent gerund caliphate
P: stop trying to guess the word
M: maelstrom
I eat my chips like any normal person, waiting to get to the perfect chip before I stop.
*crunch*
too salty*crunch*
this one is broken*crunch*
that one was perfect but I’m still hungry*crunch*
not salty enough*crunch*
broken again
Brazone : when a woman wants you to always support her, but gets rid of you the moment she is home and comfortable.
clark, the office penguin, raised his fin and voted “no” on implementing a “casual friday”.
this coffee maker is handing out writing prompts for a choose-your-own-adventure vampire story
i always get a lock of hair on the 1st date in case she dumps me i can still scrapbook about it
[dinner]
WIFE: This risotto is rich
ME: Ah, ‘rich’ from the Old English ‘rīċe’ meaning powerful, and likely cognate with Proto-Celtic ‘rigos’ meaning “of a ruler or king”
WIFE: Still listening to that history of English podcast?
ME: …
WIFE: …
ME: …from the Latin ‘Anglus’
Her: Well, I don’t want to look a gift horse in the mouth…
Me: Then don’t floss in a mirror.
coworker: What’d you get for Christmas?
me: Drunk
coworker: What did your wife get?
me: Mad