I wonder if my bank account thinks about me and has panic attacks.
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Police: Pull over and stop!
Me: [on moped]What’s the problem?
Police: You’re not wearing the proper reflective equipment! We’re taking you in!
Me: [wearing reflector vest, blaze orange parachute pants, coal miners hat, Michael Jacksons left glove] I CAN SEE MY HOUSE FROM HERE!
boss: u should’ve been here at 9
me: why what happened at 9
My cardio is just me following my kids from room to room and turning off the lights.
Costco is the only place that you can walk out with a Kayak, twenty pounds of meat, jeans, ten bottles of sun lotion and not look ridiculous
“Can you get my water, Mom?”
— My child, still in possession of the perfectly healthy legs I spent 9 months growing for him.
I should have grown him some Go Go Gadget arms.
My wife said I need to grow up.
I was speechless.
It’s hard to say anything when you have 45 gummy bears in your mouth
Anyone that says 100kg of feathers weighs the same as 100kg of steel hasn’t considered the additional weight of having to live with knowing what you did in order to procure 100kg of feathers.
90% of moving to a new house in the summer is just figuring out which switch turns on the ceiling fan
Ensure longevity of life and prevent starvation by eating insects.
Thick flies save lives.
“you are strong. you are smart,” i whisper to myself as i struggle to figure out whether to push or pull on a door
The difference between looking at a kaleidoscopic as a kid vs as an adult.
The migraine that follows.
P: …
M: …
P: Coal?
M: I was trying to make a diamond.
Proctologist: But that’s not how…
Me: I’m very uptight.
Since I moved into my house, my parents do this thing where they come over so my dad can work on a project but he always forgets a tool he needs so they just drink my beer instead.
Caller ID really needs to be more detailed like “Your neighbor Todd needs help moving a couch” or the “ex wife is on her way over go hide in the basement.
[date]
me: what’s your type?
her: I like a man who doesn’t get jealous
me: WHO IS HE
He is ready
#meowed #TheMeowedClub
Rules for rap battling Eminem:
1. Do not let Eminem go first.
2. Do not let Eminem go second.
“Hey, look, is that Dad?”
“Either that or Batman’s really let himself go.”
A good hack to make my house look clean and tidy in the evening is to turn all the lights off.
where do you get off assuming i don’t love stupid prizes? *proceeds to play stupid games*
I accidentally knocked my client’s glasses off his face, so I gasped and said “Superman?!” but he didn’t laugh
[pulled over]
COP 1: any drugs or alcohol in the car?
ME: no
COP 2: told you he was a nerd
ME: nuh uh I have so much drugs
COP 1: lol gotcha
My 5yo is insisting weasels aren’t real and that I’m the one who told him that, and I did not know I was going to have defend myself like this before coffee
UBER: Sounds better than “Let’s get in this strange man’s car!”
My son challenged my wife & I to a game of hide-and-seek. We took off for the weekend and left him some food. In your face, loser!
I accidentally used my mom’s fabric scissors to cut wrapping paper and now the cops are here
I paid extra for the “supreme” car wash, which means at the end they put a dollop of sour cream on top of your car.
[Doing a crossword quiz]
Wife: what is an exclamation of impatience. 6 letters.
Me: “faaark”?
Keep things interesting by delicately sneaking ice cubes into your friends’ pockets
“Size DOES matter”, I whisper to my double stuffed Oreos.