A good hack to make my house look clean and tidy in the evening is to turn all the lights off.
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I got hooked on Italian food in high school after my dealer sold me a bag of oregano.
Kids be like don’t worry I aimed for the rug so I wouldn’t get your bowl dirty
I can’t remember if I’ve got bacon in my fridge or not. I think I might have a touch of hamnesia.
This is worse than season 7 of The Walking Dead
Ughh…7 more hours till I can go home. Oh, sorry, my Canadian friends…7 more Kilometers till I can go home. Or is it liters?
[trying to eat a pretzel]
the knot wizard hath defeated me again
How times have changed.
Every Adele song is about lasagna.
My dog is coming home from surgery today and I hope he did ok. He can’t afford another malpractice suit.
Having a personal trainer at the gym is like having that bully in school. They still terrorize you, but now they make you do pistol squats before taking your lunch money.
Snakes are more scared of us than we are of them
[watches snake drive off in my car with my wallet & phone]
I mean, not that one, but most
Bringing them to the yard is easy
– bear traps will keep em’ there
I started this account 7 years ago today. I just want to thank all of you for reading my stuff and never showing up to my house.
That fire is totally ignoring the no-smoking sign
My 4yo saw a squirrel eating an apple and asked if he could eat an apple. So now I’m feeding the squirrel organic carrots and broccoli.
Psychologists say that sleeping naked can help boost a person’s confidence, but nobody in this bus seems to appreciate it.
A few years back a guy in law school asked me how much for a foot massage and being the idiot I am, thought he was asking how much I paid for reflexology so I said “I pay $50 plus a tip but my guy is booked for the next 3 months” and he didn’t talk to me again until 2L year
The audacity of my brain to just forget the one thing I told it to remember. What do you mean you don’t remember!? I looked right at you in the mirror and told you that you better remember this! Anyway, I don’t know why I’m at Costco.
Why does Minnie Mouse wear heels? She is the only female mouse Mickey knows. Pressure’s off, girl. Your boyfriend doesn’t even have a shirt.
dear law students: nothing in the civil rules prohibits yelling out latin phrases like harry potter spells.
Every photo I’m tagged in
My neighbors’ trash is almost all empty Sudafed boxes. It doesn’t take a genius to figure out what they are: sick.
Driving past a cop car with its lights on: Boys, the police are here. They heard about you!
My son whispers to his brother, “I was never here.”
A cropped version of my wind turbines cartoon seems to be doing the rounds. It’s by me, if you see it.
America is the greatest country on earth at thinking it’s the greatest country on earth.
[couples therapy]
HER: He’s always talking down to me
ME: *heavy sigh* It’s called being condescending but I doubt you knew that, Karen
date: what do you do
me: i run a non-profit
date: which charity?
me: oh…no i’m just a terrible hot dog salesman
My optimism doesn’t come out of thin air. A flask is involved.
bully: gimme ur sandwich
me [pulls knife]
bully: hey man I don’t want any-
me: -crusts. i know
It’s so cute when Amazon’s like ‘are you buying this can of tuna as a gift’?
Gift wrap? Why not!