[sees cute girl jog by]
“Imma run up and ask her out”
[one block later still not caught up]
“Ok, wow, we probably weren’t soul mates anyway”
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My husband was so excited to finally have a kid that shared his love for baseball until the bottom of the 8th when she loudly asked “is this baseball or football?”
My charger only works if my phone is on a 45 degree angle, resting on a tiny pillow with Pat Benatar playing quietly in the background.
One thing I like about hiking is taking an uber to the woods and saying thanks and getting out of the car and disappearing into the trees as if I have an appointment somewhere deep in the forest
if I worked behind some kind of counter, every day I would simply wear a sleeping cap, and have two tip jars, labeled “honk shoo” and “mimimimimi”
Back in my day there was so much Toilet Paper and Eggs, that we would throw them at the houses of our enemies!
Principal: Bob, you’re their Sex Ed teacher. These kids depend on you *slams fists on desk* SO WHY ARE YOU TELLING THEM COOTIES ARENT REAL
[wife calls]
“What time will you be home?”
“About 6.”
“Good, my parents are here &-”
“Actually there’s been a fire at work & we all died.”
This gonna be me in 2 weeks
Find a penny, pick it up. All day long you’ll wtf, that thing is filthy. Wash your hands immediately.
You’re having a big wedding? Cool. I’m having a Big Mac
I’m sorry that I’m canceling plans.
I made them last week when I assumed that, by now, I’d be a different person.
“Whatever! You’re naked ALL the time!”
-Me, to my staring cats every time I get out of the shower.
Accidentally fell asleep smoking an e-cigarette and when I woke up my whole house was on the internet.
Me: Ok I’m trusting you guys to stay home alone.
Kid 1: Ok.
Me: What are you doing.
Kid 1: Microwaving foil.
Me: What?! No. No metal in the microwave.
Kid 2: Are Hot Wheels cars metal?
Me: Um. Yeah but why-
Kid 1: OH just wrap the Hot Wheel cars in foil.
Me: I’m gonna stay home.
Guy on plane:
*hits me in face with coat*
That was me.Me: *turns around*
*pokes him in the eye*
*takes his peanuts*
And that…was me.
We got about 5-6 inches of snow here in the last 24 hrs, or, according to men, we got 8 inches.
Waiting for the Charmin
People are going to get tired of these AI chatbots, because nobody likes a know-it-all.
Like The Shawshank Redemption except it’s just me at work chiseling a tunnel behind the “hang in there” cat poster for a more direct route to the vending machine.
me: do you still remember your wedding vows?
wife: I do
me: [shaking head] no it was more than that
I’m not super useful until I’ve had coffee, then I get jittery followed by a caffeine crash. At 11 I’m too hungry to think then I get post-lunch sleepies. By afternoon my brain is fried but for 25 minutes each day – I’m the best employee here and they’re lucky to have me.
Coworker: “How’d you get that cut above your eye?”
Me: *Remembering dropping my phone on my face* “STOP ASKING ME ABOUT FIGHT CLUB!”
I take karate classes solely to fight off hobos who mistake my man bun for a delicious cinnamon roll
[helping son with math]
Me: Problem one…(reading)…ok…(reads #2)…(reads #3)…(keeps reading)…ask your teacher for help tomorrow
Me: Could I plz continue watching the thing I was watching the last time I was on here
Hulu: Sure! ….if you can find it 😏
Stop undressing me with your eyes!!
Use your teeth.
“Needs to be punchier” — someone who has no idea what they want and wants you to figure it out
Okay you guys, I’m gonna distract Twitter with an internal server error. When I do, make a run for it and get your life back.
me: where have you been? it’s 5am!
wife: I’m having an affair
me: omg who is he? [excited] tell me eeeeverything!
The person you are trying to stalk
Is stalking another person..
Please wait