*Aquarium
GUIDE: Octopuses are sensitive to camera flash so please turn off…ma’am don’t flash the octopus
ME: [pulls shirt back down] ok
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M: I just can’t find the words.
H: She’s kidding, give her a minute.
Car Salesman: This baby gets 26mpg and check out this nice interior!
Me: *placing several hot dogs in the cup holder* It’s not bad
You’ve reached voicemail of [Jim], leave a message.
“Hi it’s the library. The book ‘How to Steal Library Books’ is now 1 week over…UH OH”
WAITRESS: Would you like to try a quesadilla?
ME: I can barely eat one dilla, let alone a whole case.
When someone says “No Biggie”, I reply with “not since ‘97” and immediately break down crying
I made my bed and found a half eaten stick of butter in it. When I asked my child if she put anything in mommy’s bed, she said “I did not put butter in it.” The mystery continues. More at 11.
Homeless man asked me if I could ‘spare some change’. I told him ‘change comes from within’. Long story short, I’m missing a kidney.
Tom Holland’s nemesis is Jerry Amsterdam
gimma back my stick frost man… 😖☃️
[going to the gym for the first time ever] Forgive me trainer for I have sinned, it has been 37 years since I’ve worked out
Me: omg JLo is 50 and looks amazing, it’s not fair.
Also me: 17 buffalo wings are a good source of protein.
Of course I’m English.
I’m the retard convict cousin you shipped off to Australia back in the day.
Sometimes I get bored and try to get random people to read “alpha kenny body” 3 times fast.
I just inhaled a bug. Please excuse me while I light my entire head on fire.
me: It’s raining so we have to run to the car, ok?
toddler: Ok
me:
toddler:
me: You gotta let me open the door before you start running
toddler *rubbing his head* Ok
3: Mommy, I love you. You’re the best mommy in the world. I wish I had a mom just like you.
Me:
Airlines when they need to change your flight: here’s a complimentary napkin
Airlines when you need to change your flight: that’ll be $8700.
cab driver: how was your meal?
wife: it didn’t go down as well as we’d hoped
cab driver: that’s too bad
me: *still choking on a fish bone* why is no one helping me?
And that’s when I stopped telling the first half of my stories
If both kids are screaming….
….both kids are alive.
It’s science
*eats half a banana then stubs the bit that’s left in an ashtray*
[Me narrating a documentary on guerrilla warfare]
And here’s more footage of people, but I’m sure apes will be in this film any minute now..
There are few things more awkward on a blind date than looking up from your phone to realise she’s left.
She obviously wasn’t blind at all.
I wonder if anyone ever looked Jesus in the face and saw a piece of toast.
melted five butterfingers together and made a butterfist
I need more from my antidepressant, like clean my bathrooms. Go grocery shopping. Pull your weight.
Sister1: People can see your bra when you lean forward
Sister2: Yeah a beige one would be less noticeable than turquoise
Me: Well if they’re gonna get a peek it may as well be pretty
The woman in line behind apparently wants to slowly put her body inside of mine.
” Why of course I would like to stop in the middle of this huge task I’m doing to look at pictures of everyone in your huge family opening christmas presents colleague that I barely know”
💀💀🤣 Why are we like this?