*eats half a banana then stubs the bit that’s left in an ashtray*
You Might Also Like
Who called it a wedding licence and not marry-time law
Psychopaths make up about 1% of the US population. Exposing them is easy, just text your friends & check who has their read receipts on.
I am waiting for the day we have a national scandal involving a gate
I find it ironic that several times a day I have to let a computer know that I’M not a robot.
Throw me to the wolves and they’ll come back with cute names, little sweaters & an affinity for baby talk.
I just saw a poster that said “have you seen this man?” With a number to call… So I called the number and told them “No.”
ME: do u like smart guys
GIRL AT BAR: yes
ME: sorry i wasted your time
Chin up divorced people; lots of us smug married parents envy your 50/50 custody agreement.
It’s me lowering myself down like the upside down kiss scene in Spider-Man but to eat a croissant out of a bakery display
My wife went to dinner with her cousin, and is supposed to bring me home some dessert. She should have been home an hour ago, and I’m starting to get a little worried about my cake.
How am I supposed to sleep now that I’ve realized 125 people have watched a video of me drunkenly making nachos?
…. And they didn’t even like it.
I was always told to eat all my food so that I’d grow to be big and strong.
When exactly does the strong part kick in?
[Pulled over]
Officer: license and registra- oh wow
Me *shirt covered in blood* hey buddy, my eyes are up here
Wife: You’re shirtless?
*nods*
W: And covered in…oil?
-Well, you know how you always say I never glisten?
W: Listen. You never listen.
-Oh
[First date]
Her: Are you literally WEARING a red flag?
Me: Yes, do you like it? Hey! Come back!
NORTH CAROLINA:We believe in family values.
ME:Like Disney movies?
NC:Exactly.
ME:Like Mulan, where a cross dresser saves China?
NC:…
In 2016 I stayed at a hotel that offered “all-day room service starting at 5 p.m.”
My kids are so sweet! Even if they wake up early, they’ll destroy the house quietly so I can still rest.
The real reason the Mayan civilization collapsed is they never updated their Adobe.
[pretending to be on the phone as guy with clipboard approaches me]
“What do you mean I already do too much for charity?”
Drug dealers are always late. If your drug dealer is on time, it’s the police.
I need a way to keep fit that will make me look like a crazy person so no one will approach me while I do it.
-inventor of powerwalking
“Everything’s fine,” the babysitter said into the phone. “But can I cover up the weird clown statue in your hallway?”
“Get out of the house, I’m calling the police,” the father urgently replied. “You have disrespected my clown statue and I hate you.”
On a packed bus googling “how to tell the person sitting next to you that you love them”
*getting murdered*
“When you’re done could you lay me on my back so my tummy flattens out?”
ME: *trying to fit in* I ALSO don’t fly.
PENGUINS: *shuffling about while trying to keep their distance*
ZOOKEEPER: Sir, get out of the pen.
To clarify:
DOJA CAT is a 25-year-old rapper, singer, and songwriter.
DEJA CAT is the strange sensation that you’ve seen a cat somewhere before.
Hope this helps!
(Me on trampoline outside your bedroom window)
WhyDid
You
Unfollow
Me?
I just want to be wealthy enough to leave notes for the house-sitter like “If the puma seems restless, let him splash in the Jacuzzi a bit.”
I hate when you’re having sex and you accidentally yell out the wrong Ninja turtle