Me: *drowning*
My Fitbit: great job!! Your first ever exercise!
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A lady in a BMW pulled up to me on my bike to ask if it was hot out, and now my goal is to be so rich I can’t feel weather.
It’s daylight savings time which means the clock in my car is about to be correct again
[death row sitcom]
Me [sits down in a chair to eat]: This chicken is raw!
Warden [flicks switch]: That’s about to change
Sign: *APPLAUSE*
When someone ask me… How are you?… I answer back… You mean in bed?
I’m being stalked by my proctologist. He won’t stop colon me.
I was just shushed.
*sharpening knife*
If you don’t count the six chocolate chip cookies or the two dead bodies, my diet’s going pretty well today.
Imagine you are genuinely trying to recover from a major surgery and you just have your social media and PR team coming in with increasingly worse news
Let’s normalize throwing bouquets at funerals to see whose next.
Where have you been all of my life and can you please go back there.
Titanic, but with literally thousands of cats.
Treat your SO like your cell phone. Even if you’re not paying attention to them, keep them safe in your pocket
No need to rev your engine, I’m not impressed by your car unless it’s a food truck
This day in history. 1961. In Spain the fascist government of Generalissimo Francisco Franco declared equal rights for women and men. None.
2019: Tumblr blinks offline, satisfied, having completed its mission of collecting all existing TV and film footage as GIF files.
Told my daughter that whoever takes the longest nap gets to choose what’s for dinner.
And now we wait.
Dads out on the dance floor just respecting the heck out of the fine craftsmanship of the wood and stain.
і wіsh you could doordash people knuckle sandwіches
All I want is a tall, handsome guy with the wit of Deadpool who loves me like Westley, has moves like Antonio Banderas -in anything- the intellect of Sherlock, and the courage of a Viking.
An accent would be a bonus.I really don’t think that’s too much to ask.
Every smiling face in a conga line is pleading with you, “Please join our conga line, or we’ll feel stupid.” I didn’t start this mess. Get yourselves out of it.
Grandma baked a cake for the team but her use of punctuation made it sound sarcastic
*after sex*
Me:
Person:
M:
P:
M:
P:
Me: “was it because-”
P: “YES it was because you said “oh lawd she comin” when you climaxed”
Me: You’re telling me someone broke into the house and the only thing that was stolen was the ice cream?
Husband: (without breaking eye contact) Yes.
A Goofy Movie gave me unrealistic expectations about what I could and couldn’t do with aerosol cheese
It started with a star and ended with a restraining order.
*wife icing waiter’s jaw while I talk to the police*
“I thought he said boner petite”
Rules for a happy marriage:
3. Separate bank accounts
2. Separate data plans
1. Separate bathrooms
Do I lie completely still during sex? Yes, but what makes me unique is I mutter “light as a feather, stiff as a board” while I do it.
I’m on a walk with my 4 year old. There’s not another person in sight. I’ve tapped her on her far shoulder three times already and each time she’s stopped, turned around, and looked confused as hell. We’ve still got a long walk ahead–I’m going to go for the world record.