I was just shushed.
*sharpening knife*
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An elementary school teacher’s most important job is to tell one kid per year they’ll never amount to shit in order to spark their rap career
January 2020: New year, new me.
May 2020: *primal scream*
Mom: I think I’m gonna make a twitter
Me: Mom it costs like $500 a year…
Mom: That’s expensive I’ll stick with Facebook
Me: Aww too bad
Took the road less travelled after telling the wife that we didn’t need to stop and ask for directions.
It’s kind of an ongoing competition between me and this cactus to see who can drink less water
Therapist: How do you two keep the romance alive?
Me: I left him a message in red lipstick on the bathroom mirror last night.
Husband: It said REDRUM.
Dr: Does it hurt when I do this?
Me: Yes, a bit
Dr: And now?
Me: Yes, that’s very painful. Please stop showing me photos of you and my ex
I don’t always try to use big words but when I do, I accidentally tell a mother her toddler was a necrophiliac today instead of narcoleptic.
If someone finds a long red hair in the meal I’ve prepared, I yell “YOU WIN” and toss them a piece of candy.
“Couples don’t have enough things to disagree about.”
– Guy about to invent crunchy peanut butter.
Her: you’re damaged goods
Me *thinking*: she thinks I’m good!
it’s crazy you can’t just go to prison. if you want to get in there, you have to rob a gas station there’s no other way
WIFE: I’ve child-proofed the house
*our child walks in*
ME: Yeah, great job, Linda
BRITISH PEOPLE: so, shoe sizes go up in halves to 13 and then start again at 1. Women’s clothes go up in 2s but using only even numbers. Height is in feet made up of 12 inches and weight is in stones made up of 14…
ALIEN: are there any smarter animals we can talk to?
Just so you know if you have a ‘jump to recipe’ link at the top of your food blog I hope you have a nice day and may all your hopes and dreams come true.
Me: Siri set an alarm for 6am tomorrow morning. I want to go to the gym before work.
Siri: Lol
Who called it a henhouse attendant …
and not a chicken tender ?
[first date]
Date: I like bad boys, and sensitive guys
Me: [slowly uncovers Golden Girls tattoo]
Can’t, I’m in big trouble with the wife. I put chips and salsa out for family and friends and didn’t use a Thanksgiving dish.
Me: I spy with my little eye something beginning with i
Other Titanic lookout: hmmm
* Psychic Job Fair *
Interviewer: What is your greatest strength?
Me:
Interviewer: You’re hired
BATMAN: I have invested billions in the most state-of-the-art technology to combat crime in this city
GOTHAM: Great! How can we reach you?
BATMAN: Pray for clouds and point this lamp at the sky while I’m beneath the earth in a cave please
If the Unabomber was so smart, why did he pick such a suspicious name
Me: *holding a baby* How do you reboot this thing?
[invention of surfing]
“Stand on this wood so sharks don’t eat you”
i feel like if the avengers were real we’d really really hate them
A new fast-food joint called, Bish Wut U Want. The drive-thru greeting will be, Bish Wut U Want?
Get rid of the “quality check” section on the Domino’s pizza tracker. I know what I’m getting myself into here.
“Are you ready to rock?”
Scissors: no
My 6 year old told me to look in his room because someone stole his toys. When I looked, his room was the tidiest it has ever been with all toys put away. He then laughed and said “April fools! I pranked you!”