Can’t, I’m in big trouble with the wife. I put chips and salsa out for family and friends and didn’t use a Thanksgiving dish.
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People are always impressed to hear that I graduated from Harvard at 16, but you can do anything you set your mind to if you just lie.
Hotel Security just knocked on my door to deliver a package. He asked for indentification. I showed him my book,with my name and face on it
Hiring Manager: How do you see yourself moving up within this organization?
Me: I’d use the elevators
Hiring Manager:
Me: Elevators, Sir.
Everyone talks shit about the Salem Witch Trials but there hasn’t been a witch attack in like 300 years.
ME: Tell me your weaknesses.
INTERVIEWER: um I’m interviewing you!
M: *writes ‘hostile’*
I: What’s that say?
M: *writes ‘overly suspicious’*
*sits gf down*
i am about to ask you a big question. if you dont know the answer then thats ok… *clears throat* where is the space jam dvd
Some children show signs of greatness at an early age, I just found my kids playing hide and seek in the bathtub.
Don’t go in the woods alone.
Always bring a slower friend.
you’ve been hit by
*bang-bang*
you’ve been struck by
your time management
My grandmother found my original Strawberry Shortcake doll from the 80s and it still smells delicious and I’m wondering what kind of chemical warfare substance N perfume they put on these dolls back in the day that it has lasted for so long.
A guy sat 6 feet across from me and tried to hit on me. I said, “what? I can’t hear you.” he goes, “Awww man!! Coronavirus be killing my game!!!” and left defeated.
A measles outbreak? Weird. You’d think in this day and age, they’d have invented something to protect against that.
My girlfriend and I are sharing an #Amazon account.
We’re prime-mates.
everyone has that one prude friend
Dance like theres no tomorrow OH MY GOD THERES NO TOMORROW WHY ARE WE DANCING
There was a moth on my computer screen so I googled “what eats moths?” and found a picture of a bat. I moved the picture around the screen to try and simulate flying. The moth was undisturbed but my experiments continue.
These kids act like they’ve never gotten a half-pealed hard boiled egg for Halloween before.
Always take one positive friend & one negative friend on road trips. Then if your battery dies, you can hook cables to them & start your car
Thoughts & prayers for my son who thought his phone was charging overnight only to find he must go to school on 6%
I sprung into action when a coworker was choking during lunch. I moved him into the next room, so I could eat in peace and quiet
I dated a guy who always kneeled and prayed before sex. I still don’t know if he was scared of what I’d do or thankful. Either way, amen.
From the 3 wise men story we learn that wisdom doesn’t always translate into mad gift giving skills
I bought a second scale to weigh my first scale so I can show it how it feels.
The perfect sticker placement doesn’t exi-
COP: Is this man bothering you, Sir?
ME: that’s my wife
So this dude was installing adhesive for the carpet to go on and….he didn’t plan this very well. Lol
The water out of the bottle I stuffed into the fridge without a lid last night tasted like lettuce, and now I just have so many questions, like first of all, who bought lettuce?
I said “You’re not the boss of me” to my boss and it came true.
If you live alone and you have pets they don’t know your name
Fact: The human body is 59% water
Fact: Feta cheese is 59% water
Conclusion: The human body is feta cheese