boss: why aren’t you working?
me: i didn’t see you coming!
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found a note in my phone of an idea that just says “birdwatcher with an anger problem” and now I’m wondering what the triggers would be. bird is too far? bird is the same bird every time and you only ever see 1 bird? i’ll keep thinking about it
I followed the link to your résumé but it brought me to some website called FunnyTweeter..? Anyway Im laughin my butt off, youre hired dude
Me: If you pay a mime enough, they’ll talk
The other mimes at the protest: [visibly furious]
I told my kids to follow their hopes and dreams, as long as their hopes and dreams lead them out of my house when they’re 21.
Caveman: “So what do you call it?”
Caveman2: “I call it burny light.”
Caveman: “that’s terrible. You’re fired from the naming committee.”
Caveman2 “wait… say that again…”
If I buy the circus the monkey will be the manager.
Boss: Are you asleep?
Me: Sorry, must’ve dozed off
B: That’s unacceptable!
M: I apologised, didn’t I ?
B: And where are your pants?
M: *shrugging* I always sleep naked
“For I am Christ the Redeemer, He Who Saves!”- Jesus, using his coupons.
Them: Do you know what your problem is?
Me: Yes.
I’m sorry. I know I said hi, but I wasn’t really prepared for any follow-up conversation.
ME: does this apartment have a pizza cellar
REALTOR: again, i dont know what that is
My mind: You’re 18…
My body: …minutes from death.
I just opened a Capri Sun in the dark, sup ladies
I’m seriously considering taking up falconry. Someone pisses me off? BAM! Falcon, right in the face.
And just then, Frodo realized he’d forgotten to charge his Fitbit before leaving The Shire.
Remember when everyone died before gluten-free bread?
First day of packing for a move: *dresses each Barbie before putting them in a box*
Second day of packing for a move: *dumps entire contents of desk drawer into Target bag and ties it up with USB cord*
My teen daughter wants me to “hurry up” getting ready to go somewhere and ain’t this some karma
If only the workout your thumbs get from scrolling on your phone would go to your abs.
I learned German so I could sound angry about everything.
Could reporters stop asking if political leaders “believe” in climate change and start asking if they understand it instead
Maybe cats always look like they’re planning our demise because we keep calling them things like mrs snugglepaws the second
Friend: I grew as a person
Me: Did you molt?
Friend: What?
Me: Is there a dried out slightly smaller husk of you in the basement?
Friend:
Me: Can I see it?
“After you.”
“No, after you.”
“I insist.”
“Sure?”
“Please.”
“If you insist.”
“I do.”
“I’ve finished.”
“Thank you.”– Canadian Dirty Talk
*gets into canoe*
Guide: Ok, everyone grab an oar!
*gets out of canoe*
Because I’m a loving wife I got my husband some chocolates for Valentine’s Day and because I’m his wife I ate all of them.
New Mom: I bought my kids’ Halloween costumes back in August!
Me: That’s cool. I take my kids shopping on October 31st so they can’t change their minds 800 times.
[wears my camouflage hat] where’s my camouflage hat
I tried sliding across the hood of my Camaro, but my pony tail got caught in the windshield wiper.
Person: Why are you in a wheelchair?
Me [from my wheelchair]: I asked too many questions.