Who invented Bull Riding? Hey, I’m gonna hop on that 2,000 pound pissed off animal…Time me.
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You know you’re a parent when solitary confinement sounds like a reward not a punishment.
Honey, I made the news! Apparently that old lady I fought at the library wasn’t a ghost
Look, I can either get over my ex or go on a diet but I can’t do both.
‘Shake It Off’ is probably my favorite urinal sing-along song.
Startup idea: a gym named Resolution that runs for the 1st month of the year, collects subscription fee, then converts to a bar named Regret
Pro Tip: Always put your keys away in the last place you’d look, then look there first.
My dealer told me everytime i use a reusable container instead of giving me a new baggie he’ll give me a discount and thats what i call loyalty to the planet.
I wasn’t entirely comfortable slaughtering that goat under the light of a full moon but grandma’s gravy recipe was very specific.
Don’t be ashamed of who you are.
That’s your parents job.
The 6 types of sex
Playing I Spy With My Little Eye with my 5 year old daughter, who has now spied “something white” for three consecutive turns. Please send beer.
It’s snowing again but luckily it’s the kind of snow you see in paintings about Valley Forge and not the kind you see in movies about Siberia
Me: I wish my toilet was sentient
Genie: hey fun fact if you wish for a therapist I won’t count it as one of the three
How can we make people tell the truth?
“Lets make them put one hand on a book & the other on their chest. That’ll scare the shit out of em”
Beards are a privilege, not a right
Sometimes I just sit and run my fingers through my girl’s hair. Its a nice way to let her know I love her and also that were out of napkins
Me: I just watched Airplane and need to ask you something
Brother: What is it?
Me: It’s a comedy movie from 1980, but that’s not important right now
alien: take me to your leader
me: take me to YOUR leader
alien: *suddenly nervous* are you going to eat him?
Say goodbye to your girlfriends cause I just bought a book on magic tricks
Stop with the DiCaprio jokes. They’re getting old.
I love how when you walk through a spider web, you all of the sudden know Kung Fu.
(Ok don’t let her know ur Jesus)
Girl: Meet my dad
*they shake hands*
*Dad stands up from wheelchair*
Dad: It’s a miracle!
Jesus: *facepalm*
Caveman: “So what do you call it?”
Caveman2: “I call it burny light.”
Caveman: “that’s terrible. You’re fired from the naming committee.”
Caveman2 “wait… say that again…”
Walking around cemeteries looking at headstones is a great way to come up with baby names.
My dog, every day, brings out a shoe, a shoe of mine in my current shoe rotation, and won’t let it go until I give her a bully stick. It’s extortion!
Someone: what have you been up to?
Me: thanks, you too.
Whoever said you can’t hurry love, never had kids knocking on the bedroom door.